David Letterman: Our first guess is Agent Fox Mulder on the very popular television program, The X-Files, also stares in a new film entitled Return to Me, it opens Friday, here’s David Duchovny

DL: Welcome back

David Duchovny: Thank you

DD: I’m sorry…sorry I’m a little late but I was eating Biff Henderson…..or should I say a Biff?

DL: It depends on what you were doing really, I guess

DD: It was very tasty what ever it was

DL: What’s going on the show?….I haven’t seen you in a long time. It seems like years since you’ve been here

DD: Probably 3 years...yeah

DL: Is that right?

DD: Yeah

DL: Well what’s that all about?

DD: I’m sorry, I mean..I just ..you never come to me, so it’s like a one way relationship here and I’m getting tired of it….I’m putting my foot down right now.

DL: How many years you done the show? Like seven or something like that?

DD: Forty three

DL: Wow forty-three years..man

DD: Yeah allot of people don’t know that…but it’s true

DL: And are things going well for you? You must be tired of it by now, for heavens sake how could you not be tired of it?

DD: You’re speaking…uh yes I am a little tired of it. But….you know I’m involved in this law suit

DL: I heard about this, some kind of lawsuit… is it ugly, has it gotten ugly?

DD: Well it is ugly, and I just wanted to come out here and tell you…

DL: Thank you

DD: Dave that uh… uh I, you know even though I can’t talk about that law suit, I’m still the same Dave… that you know

DL: Of course

DD: And the regular guy that comes out here and just shoots from the hip and tries to answer honestly and I just want to say that has nothing to do with anything out here

DL: I admire that, and I would expect nothing less frankly. You have to be honest with the people, you have to be sincere with people

DD: Well the fans deserve it

DL: Absolutely

DL: And what is at the core of the lawsuit, what seems to be the problem?

DD: I can’t really talk about that

DL: Well you just got done saying that you were going to tell us everything

DD: Will you back off Dave… I mean what is it, is it 60 Minutes all of a sudden… I mean get behind me here. I didn’t expect for this to happen

DL: Can you tell me who’s involved in the lawsuit

DD: The grilling is unbelievable

DL: Is it you and who else, who is in this…

DD: Please, this is embarrassing

DL: Ok… Ok

DL: When you’re out walking around, do people scream at you? Like “hey there's Mulder there’s the guy..

DD: ..That’s in a lawsuit with FOX, yeah yeah, they’re really interested in that right now.. They do…I was making this movie Return to Me, that coming out this week…. You clap, but I know you haven’t seen it, but I’m telling you when you have seen….

****COFFEE GAG****

DL: We’re going to have another general meeting, we’re going to have to have another general meeting. Would you like to come to the general meeting, you’re more then welcome to be here, no, no I want you there, we’re all going to be there”

DD: Do you… control the timing on that thing?

DL: No, I don’t have control on anything apparently..

DD: Did I sit on a button?

DL: With a possible acceptation of my own bladder

DD: But I think it’s a good gag, I think its funny, sorry its got to ruin whatever I’m doing

DL: You’re fine

DD: Momentum, timing forget about it, lets just go to the coffee gag

DL: He flew all night from the west coast…

DD: Yeah exactly, I come to you. Just play the damn coffee gag over me

DL: He’s here once every three years…

DD: Return to Me, I only spent a year making it…

DL: You’re out of his life, we got to get our laugh with the coffee gag, anyway so what were we talking about, you’re out walking around…

DD: Well I’m in Chicago, I get in the elevator, like four in the morning, some ungodly hour, very unhappy

DL: Just getting in were you?

DD: No, no, going out, going out to work, and it’s a very tall hotel and it’s a long elevator ride and I get on with this middle aged guy and this woman I assume to be his wife and he looks at me and gives me the “knowing look”, he knows, yeah he know about the lawsuit. So uh, we go about twenty floors before he decides to lay it on me

DL: What floor were you on?

DD: 147, I don’t know, he’s making me sweat, he’s sweating me

DL: It’s uncomfortable, I would guess, knowing you are under some level of scrutiny.

DD: For both of us and its uncomfortable for him to scrutinize me. He’s just not aware of that. So finally he goes to me, “Good morning doctor”.

DL: what is that?

DD: You know, I immediately, I flashed I was getting a PHD at Yale and that mother is still very disappointed with me for not finishing. I’m thinking he knows my mother.

DL: He’s being snotty.

DD: He’s being snotty. This guy has been sent by my mother, he’s been waiting at my hotel door.

DL: Exert a little more pressure. . .

DD: Waiting…yes, just push me to maybe go back and get that PHD. This is actually. . .somebody else knows . . . and this is actually what I’m thinking at 4 in the morning and then finally that passes and he thinks I’m in ER.

DL: Really, he thinks you’re in ER? One of the ER boys?

DD: Well, yea, so I always try to be diplomatic with the fans because we do it for the fans. In fact, I can’t say that I’m brining my lawsuit on behalf of the fans.

DL: How very generous of you. How thoughtful of you.

DD: Yes, thank you.

DL: You’re a man of the people.

DD: and so I say “wrong show idiot”. Mind you, at this point I still think he’s been sent by my mother.

DL: By and large, you have a very good relationship with the people who watch the show and follow your career. You have a good relationship with your mother I’m guessing.

DD: Yea, I have a good relationship in both camps. We’ve still got about 50 floors to go at this point. Now its really uncomfortable and then his wife goes “He’s not on ER” and then I realized yea, he had thought I was Julianan M……. or someone. I think its Noah Wyle. . . .

DL: or George Clooney, pretty boy, could have been him, don’t you think, might have been.

DD: I’ll sue you if you keep going.

DL: What, you can sue me over this. In fact I’d like a piece of that. You worked with the “Return to Me”. Tell folks. . . . Do they know what its about?

DD: I hope so.

DL: I’ve seen this movie, by the way. .

DD: Did you like it?

DL: Oh yea, its like an old fashioned, kind of sweet. . .it’s a love story.

DD: and yet Bonnie Hunt, who I know is a good friend of yours. . .

DL: very funny. . . .

DD: Is probably one of the funniest women I know.

DL: She is “high”larious

DD: She is “high”larious. So she took this very sweet, sentimental, beautiful love story and injected it with her own humor. So that what happened.. it’s a very odd movie-going experience because people really weep at the movie but then they are laughing raucously.

DL: Just the way life is supposed to be.

DD: Bonnie doesn’t really do a movie with jokes. She does a movie that is funny.

DL: Situational, circumstantial

DD: There is no real punch line. There is no semen in the hair.

DL: Behavioral comedy. Lets look here at a clip of the movie. Alright. . . Do you know what we’re going to see?

DD: I think we’re going to see a bowling scene.

DL: a bowling scene?

DD: Well, it’s a movie about heart transplants and bowling

DL: I’ll bet it tested very well. Lets take a look, lady and gentleman. .. “Return to me”.

****CLIP****

DL: Nice going. The movie opens Friday, is that when it opens?

DD: Yes, it opens this Friday.

DL: Nice to see you again. Good luck with that ugly lawsuit.

DD: Shh

DL: Let me know when you get it settled.

DL: David Duchovny everybody