Crazy Cabbie: No wonder he was ice skating around that one
David Duchovny: Howard, you almost turned me into Stuttering John there for a second.
Howard Stern: I know. Well David
David Duchovny: It's 5:15 here.
Howard Stern: Have you ever banged a chick with one arm?
David Duchovny: With my one arm?
Howard Stern: No. Have you ever banged a handicapped chick?
David Duchovny: Uh no, I have not.
Howard Stern: I'm trying to think if I have. Jackie had a one legged woman.
Robin Quivers: What are you considering handicapped?
Jackie Martling: She wasn't handicapped. Just her leg was missing.
Robin Quivers: That's a handicap.
Howard Stern: Crazy cabbie had a girl who got like, ice picked in the back of her head, and had meanwhile, lost the use of her limbs. Yeah, and he banged her.
David Duchovny: How was that for him?
Howard Stern: He said it was good. I mean, you know.
Crazy Cabbie: She provided the service that we both needed at the time. And I reciprocated.
Howard Stern: Was she like, a vegetable, like laying there?
Crazy Cabbie: No, she was totally…
Robin Quivers: She could move the bottom half?
Crazy Cabbie: You know, kinda, it was like, her legs were like rope.
David Duchovny: Was she lying down?
Crazy Cabbie:Yeah.Yeah.
Howard Stern: Like you could put her up on all fours, couldn't you?
Crazy Cabbie: No. I don't that I wanted to. You know.
Howard Stern: Like when you grabbed her leg. They were like ropes. You know what that's like? It's like masturbation with someone to talk to.
Jackie Martling: You could have used her legs to tie her to the bed.
Howard Stern: So David, you've only had sex with women who have all of their limbs?
David Duchovny: As far as I can remember, yes, I believe that is true.
Howard Stern: Come on, you've never lifted a woman out of a wheelchair.. You don't know the pleasure. He's real good looking. He's never had to stoop that low. He's never had to resort to that. He's not like us. We're a mess.
Crazy Cabbie: He's a superstar. Dave, I'd just like to say that I love the X-Files. Too bad it's going to be over.
David Duchovny: Who is that?
Howard Stern: Crazy Cabbie. Nobody really. Nobody you want to know.
David Duchovny:Crazy Cabbie? Alright. Well, thanks. I don't know if it's going to be over. We don't know. We still don't know.
Robin Quivers: Still talking?
Crazy Cabbie: Have you ever had sex with Gillian Anderson?
David Duchovny: No.
Howard Stern: He said no. I've asked him that a million times. He doesn't like Gillian Anderson.
David Duchovny: I like her.
Robin Quivers: He doesn't not like her.
Howard Stern: He's not attracted to her and she's a real pain in the ass on the set.
David Duchovny: That's not true.
Robin Quivers: But he likes actresses.
David Duchovny: Do I like actresses?
Robin Quivers: He married one.
Howard Stern: Hey, David used to be a sex addict.
David Duchovny: Ow! Howard!
Howard Stern: He used to have sex with tons of chicks.
David Duchovny: We go through this every time.
Howard Stern: I envy you. Yeah man. How many chicks do you figure you banged?
David Duchovny: Me?
Howard Stern: Yeah. Honestly?
Crazy Cabbie: 100
David Duchovny: Uh. Um.
Crazy Cabbie: That includes digital stimulation.
Howard Stern: It does?
David Duchovny: Wait. It's just coming up on my computer now.
Howard Stern: Hey David, where are you now? Are you at home?
David Duchovny: I'm home, yeah.
Howard Stern: Where's Tea?
David Duchovny: What?
Howard Stern: Where's Tea Leoni?
David Duchovny: She's asleep in bed.
Howard Stern: What is she wear to bed?
David Duchovny: Um, usually pajamas.
Howard Stern: Oh really.
David Duchovny: Those soft kind of things.
Howard Stern: She's hot.
David Duchovny: She sure is.
Howard Stern: I mean, she's hot. But I don't know if I was David, I would have stopped there. Like, my final resting place.
Crazy Cabbie: If I was David, I would have never stopped.
Howard Stern: Me neither. Why stop? I mean, so do Tea for 2 years.
David Duchovny: Is that Crazy Cabbie who was saying that he just fell for somebody.
Howard Stern: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
David Duchovny: Well, what happened?
Howard Stern: Well, he's still going to bang other chicks.
David Duchovny: He is?
Robin Quivers: Is your girlfriend open with that?
Crazy Cabbie: This wedding's been called off more than once.
David Duchovny: It has?
Crazy Cabbie: It's been called off more than once, Dave.
David Duchovny: Oh really?
Crazy Cabbie: Yeah. She's psychotic and I'm kind of on the edge my self.
David Duchovny: Surprise.
Howard Stern: Dave, you know what, I would do anything for you if you would just go upstairs to Tea's bedroom, listen to this…
David Duchovny: Yeah.
Howard Stern: Take the phone off the hook so we can hear her, and just wake her up with your fingers.
David Duchovny: (laughing) Oh sure
Howard Stern: And let us listen to the moaning. If you would do that, that would be the greatest thing you would ever do.
David Duchovny: Well, what you would hear would be me attempting something and then a slap.
Howard Stern: Why? She would love that. David Duchovny waking her up with your fingers?
Crazy Cabbie: Just set the phone on the side of the bed and do what you would do if we weren't there.
Howard Stern: Yeah, she'd snap out of her dreamstate
David Duchovny: Maybe if I put the phone by her ear and you can talk to her while I
Howard Stern: Oh yeah. I'll do that.
David Duchovny: What do you think of that?
Howard Stern: I'll do it.
Crazy Cabbie: Walk her through it.
Howard Stern: All I know is that she must be good in bed that she got you to commit.
David Duchovny: She's a fantastic girl.
Howard Stern: I love a girl on all fours. That's my favorite position.
Robin Quivers: What's yours, David?
David Duchovny: What's that?
Howard Stern: 'Cause you can see the ass and the back.
David Duchovny: Yeah. That's a fine view.
Howard Stern: It's the best, right? Am I right or wrong?
David Duchovny: It's panoramic.
Howard Stern: That's my favorite.
Crazy Cabbie: What's your favorite position, David Duchovny?
David Duchovny: Is that the cabbie again?
Howard Stern: Yeah, unfortunately.
David Duchovny: He's taking over the show.
Howard Stern: Cabbie's working his way in.
Crazy Cabbie: I'm just asking a question.
Robin Quivers: He's just personally interested.
Howard Stern: He's a fan of yours.
Crazy Cabbie: I'm a fan.
David Duchovny: I like them all.
Howard Stern: By the way, David's new movie. It's good. Real good.
Robin Quivers: We all saw it. We all liked it.
Howard Stern: In fact, I'm watching it again this weekend with my 13 year old daughter.
David Duchovny: I told you that you could see it with your kids.
Howard Stern: It's good. It's a good love story. If you like a nice, romantic love story…
Robin Quivers: (To cabbie) It's probably not your cup of tea
Howard Stern: He's kind of romantic.
Robin Quivers: You think he's a sensitive
Crazy Cabbie: I actually am a very sensitive
David Duchovny: I think you would like it.
Crazy Cabbie: I have a pretty big heart.
Howard Stern: It's like a chick flick, but I like chick flicks.
Robin Quivers: It's the kind of movie that will make you cry.
Howard Stern: Did you see it yet, Johnny?
Stuttering John: No, but it got four stars and Ebert gave it two thumbs up.
Howard Stern: It's really good.
Robin Quivers: Very good.
Crazy Cabbie: Does still give two thumbs up even though the other guy is dead?
Stuttering John: Yeah.
Howard Stern: And Duchovny's good.
David Duchovny: Well, thanks Howard.
Howard Stern: Yeah, he's not walking through this one.
Robin Quivers: Bonnie Hunt must know what she's doing.
David Duchovny: Oh, she sure does.
Howard Stern: Yeah, you didn't take the money and run on this one.
David Duchovny: (laughing) No, I didn't.
Stuttering John: Did you ever see Tea in the movie with like Ben Stiller.
Robin Quivers: No, he didn't see that.
David Duchovny: Oh. Flirting with Disaster
Crazy Cabbie: She's so hot in this movie.
Howard Stern: How's her boobs? Are they real?
Stuttering John: She looks so good in that movie.
Howard Stern: Are they her real boobs?
David Duchovny: Uh huh.
Howard Stern: Really.
Crazy Cabbie: I just love natural boobs.
Howard Stern: Me too.
Crazy Cabbie: They're so much better.
Howard Stern: Don't you, David?
David Duchovny: Um, yeah. I do.
Robin Quivers: Can they have your wife?
Crazy Cabbie: She's got a great body.
Howard Stern: I would just suckle Tea Leoni.
Crazy Cabbie: I would nuzzle.
Howard Stern: David would let me.
David Duchovny: Yeah, sure I would.
Howard Stern: Know why? Cause I'm giving a good review to his movie.
David Duchovny: That's right.
Robin Quivers: There you go. OK.
Stuttering John: Does she exercise, David?
David Duchovny: That's the way it goes.
Howard Stern: Does she exercise or is that just…?
David Duchovny: Go see Return to Me and you can suckle my wife.
Howard Stern: Does she exercise?
David Duchovny: Does my wife exercise? Not as much as you think.
Howard Stern: Really?
David Duchovny: She's one of those lucky people that doesn't have to work out.
Crazy Cabbie: Aren't you jealous of those people?
David Duchovny: I am.
Howard Stern: I guess the exercise she gets is on top of you. You know what I'm saying?
David Duchovny: Uh huh.
Crazy Cabbie: Ride' em David.
Howard Stern: Ride it. Spank that ass.
David Duchovny: How did we? How did this happen this morning?
Howard Stern: I don't know.
Robin Quivers: It's the crazy cabbie. He's a bad influence.
Crazy Cabbie: I bring sex into the room.
Howard Stern: He's a sexy man.
David Duchovny: Hey Howard, are you getting laid?
Howard Stern: Who, me?
David Duchovny: Yeah, you.
Robin Quivers: No. That's why he's asking for Tea.
Howard Stern: Would I be talking like this if I was getting laid? If I was getting laid, I wouldn't be all sexed up. I don't know. Just describe how her breasts feel in one sentence. Honestly, if you could.
David Duchovny: Are you talking to the cab driver about my wife?
Howard Stern: Yes.
David Duchovny: (laughing)
Howard Stern: So David, she's just right now upstairs sleeping huh?
David Duchovny: No, she's downstairs.
Howard Stern: What, do you guys have separate bedrooms?
David Duchovny: No, no, no. I thought it might be polite since it's 5 o'clock in the morning to have a phone conversation, to leave the bedroom.
Howard Stern: Do you guys sleep together everynight?
David Duchovny: Yes.
Howard Stern: See, I don't get that. I don't care how much you love your wife, I, I don't like to sleep with somebody. I don't want to be woken up. I guess because sleep is such an important commodity with me because I have to get up so early.
Robin Quivers: He has to get up early when he works.
David Duchovny: Who's gonna wake you up? You're the one who's getting up early.
Howard Stern: Yeah, but if any human being is in bed next to me, it's just, it's just, it's annoying.
David Duchovny: Really? At all times?
Howard Stern: At all times.
Stuttering John: No cuddling at all?
Howard Stern: I like to cuddle and all that. For about 5 minutes. I have everything on a timer.
Crazy Cabbie: So maybe they had it right in the 50's, when they had separate beds?
Howard Stern: Naw. It's just that, don't you want your separate space sometimes? Even you, Robin?
Robin Quivers: I've always had my separate space.
Howard Stern: You don't have your boyfriend sleeping over and stuff do you? See?
Robin Quivers: He sleeps over sometimes.
Howard Stern: If you're on vacation or something
Crazy Cabbie: I think sleeping next to someone is the ultimate in intimacy.
Stuttering John: When my wife goes to take care of the baby at 5 o'clock in the morning, or 4 in the morning
Howard Stern: Yeah, she wakes you up.
Stuttering John: Yeah, but it is nice to have that hour alone to be spread out.
Howard Stern: I don't want to be woken up. So, David's film is called
Robin Quivers: Return to Me
Howard Stern: It's a pretty funny movie. This broad he's married to, I liked it when you cried.
David Duchovny: Oh, thank you.
Howard Stern: How do you make yourself do that? Did you use an onion? That's what I did on my movie.
Stuttering John: I don't understand. You just took an onion, and smelled it and that you made you..
Howard Stern: Here's what happened.
David Duchovny: Because I'm a very inventive actor, I do ..
Stuttering John: That's a burn
Howard Stern: You know, I was going to do that. A lot of people have been known to do that. You know what's funny though. A lot of actors. Like I heard, do you think Shirley McClaine is a good actress?
Robin Quivers: Yeah, she's a good actress
Howard Stern: She uses like a glycerin. That's what I heard.
Robin Quivers: Is that right?
Howard Stern: That's what some people told me. Here's what happened to me. You know the woman that played my wife, Mary. She's like a real good actress and she would just break into tears if they needed her to.
David Duchovny: She was great.
Howard Stern: Yeah, she's really good. So, I'm watching this and I go "Man. She could act her ass off."
Robin Quivers: That's amazing.
Howard Stern: Then, there's a scene where I'm supposed to cry, because my wife is having a miscarriage in the doctor's office. So I said to Betty "Man, wouldn't it blow Mary's mind cause I'm not even an actor if I could break into tears". So Betty goes "I'll sneak you an onion. Just rub it into your eye as soon as the camera rolls, but don't let Mary see it."
Crazy Cabbie: And it works.
Howard Stern: So they start to roll and I grab the onion. She's so absorbed in her own acting
Robin Quivers: She has no idea
Howard Stern: I rub my eyes and all of a sudden, I'm wailing like a baby. And then she says to me "I can't believe you're crying." I go "It's no big deal. I'm a pro". I didn't tell her until about 2 years later.
Robin Quivers: Oh no.
Howard Stern: Yeah. She thought I was a really good actor.
David Duchovny: Hey, whatever it takes.
Howard Stern: Did you cry for real?
David Duchovny: Huh?
Howard Stern: Did you cry for real?
David Duchovny: Yeah, I
Howard Stern: What did you think about?
David Duchovny: Well, as the day goes on, I think about different things cause, you know, it takes a long time to shoot the scenes.
Robin Quivers: Was it ever all the money Fox owes you and won't give you?
Howard Stern: Yeah, I'd be crying.
David Duchovny: Robin, you read my note.
Stuttering John: When I was in acting class, they would tell you to think about like an animal, like a dog that died or a cat
Howard Stern: Did you think about a dog that died?
David Duchovny: (laughing) Did I think about a dog that died?
Howard Stern: Like, what did you think about
Robin Quivers: You know, pretty soon, he'll be able to think about this interview.
Howard Stern: Did you, like think about your dad didn't love you, nobody loved me daddy,
Stuttering John: It shouldn't be something that's still there.
Howard Stern: David, what did you think about during that crying scene in Return to Me?
David Duchovny: Well you know Howard, I would love to tell you, but I think of it like a magician's trick ALL: Oh come on
Howard Stern: Come on, don't be a douche.
David Duchovny: I am the masked magician right now.
Robin Quivers: See if it makes us cry.
David Duchovny: Exactly, it's important for you to cry.
Howard Stern: What, like some girl dumped you? What tragedy have you had in your life? He doesn't even have any tragedy?
Robin Quivers: Right, what does he have to pull from?
David Duchovny: Oh, you don't know Howard...