CONTENT WARNING: THIS INTERVIEW IS RATED NC-17.
PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR UNDERAGE

(immediately following making the Wiccan (Hilary) get spanked with a rubber chicken and Tara get mayo and baloney thrown at her breasts) HEY! It wasn't my idea! Alot of this material is probably NC-17. I know that Howard tapes this stuff for airing on E! so that should be coming up early next week. David handled himself well, but oy.. glad it wasn't me. The rest of the callers are introduced as the call in.

Howard Stern: Now, I read in the newspaper that David was having an affair with Minnie Driver during the making of this movie.
Robin: Really?

Howard Stern: Well, that was the rumor... and there's David. Now he's a good looking guy.
Robin: You know, he's a lucky guy

Howard Stern: He's a lucky guy because he won the gene lottery. You've always liked the way he looked. Yep, gene lottery. Listen it's important to be good looking if you want to be in Hollywood. Although it never stopped Nicholas Cage.
Robin: Yeah, he ran right through the line.

Howard Stern: How does a man like Nicholas Cage, David, get to be a leading man in Hollywood.
David Duchovny: Not only is he a leading man, but he just finished a movie with my wife.

Howard Stern: Tea Leoni
David Duchovny: That's correct

Howard Stern: That is your wife
David Duchovny: Yeah

Howard Stern: Still in love with her?
David Duchovny: Yes, very much
Robin: What? Do you expect the guy to sit there and go "Nah, I'm not really into her anymore? (all laughing)

Howard Stern: No, you are an admitted sex addict and it's gotta be hard for you to settle down. Now you..
Robin: You were an admitted sex addict???

Howard Stern: Yes, yes he is.
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: Something wrong with your headphones?
David Duchovny: yeah

Howard Stern: Try the other pair
David Duchovny: those are fine

Howard Stern: You look good in those headphones
David Duchovny: Thank you

Howard Stern: You look better than I do
Robin: Wait, when did he admit to being a sex addict?
David Duchovny: I didn't

Howard Stern: years ago. (Robin laughing)
Robin: That's Geraldo

Howard Stern: You are not an admitted sex addict?
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: you are not?
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: Are you Geraldo? Which would you choose Geraldo or David Duchovny?
David Duchovny: Geraldo Rivera why dont you...

Howard Stern: Are you fascinated that someone wrote a song about you, David Duchovny
David Duchovny: It's funny.

Howard Stern: It's funny? It's fascinating. Is the girl a good looking girl? Have you ever met her?
David Duchovny: Uh, I saw a picture of her. I've never met her, but.. I got a tape of the song long before it came out. A friend of mine gave it to me. And I put in my car, and I was driving to work and I thought it was really fun. It's like my own theme song.

Howard Stern: Oh my God, it's ...
David Duchovny: I cranked it in the car. And then I realized I'm sitting at a red light and that someone might hear me listening to my own tapes, so..

Howard Stern: Yeah, it would be a little egotistical to be driving around with my own music. You just say "hey, I'd like people to be able to hear my music while I..."
Robin: I have a personal soundtrack (clip of the song)

Howard Stern: This was a big hit in England, but it never caught on here in America.
David Duchovny: It's also sad to think I would be singing "David Duchovny, why wont you love me" to myself
Robin: Aww, do you sing that? (laughing)
David Duchovny: I don't understand what that would mean.

Howard Stern: Oh, you know what that means
David Duchovny: yeah

Howard Stern: You're a fan of masturbation, that's what it means
David Duchovny: oh, ok

Howard Stern: You love to masturbate.
David Duchovny: Sex with someone you really love?

Howard Stern: No, you've always been a fan of it, you like watching porno, you've admitted that?
David Duchovny: A fan of masturbation???

Howard Stern: You've admitted to watching porno, that you rewind it back to the scenes you like
David Duchovny: That seems to me to be very normal

Howard Stern: yeah, I'm saying you openly admit that
David Duchovny: openly? yes

Howard Stern: Right.
Robin: Who gets past one scene, what are you talking about?
David Duchovny: You don't get past one scene? You get excited and it's over? (all laughing)

Howard Stern: I'll get to your new movie in a second, first address the rumors that you and Minnie Driver had sex during the shooting of your new movie.
David Duchovny: Not only did we not have sex during the shooting of the movie, we don't have sex in the movie.

Howard Stern: You don't?
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: Because it was reported in a London newspaper that you were kissing and making out with Minnie Driver on a rock
David Duchovny: no, no, no
Robin: on a rock?

Howard Stern: On a rock. Here, wait, I'll read it to you and then you can respond
David Duchovny: ok.
Robin: Maybe they were doing research

Howard Stern: No, I don't believe they would make this up. The London Mirror claims in November that you were seeing making out with Minnie Driver in Malibu while they were attending a movie.
David Duchovny: They got that part right.

Howard Stern: And there have been other reports in other publications, as well.
David Duchovny: Same story

Howard Stern: But you are denying it?
David Duchovny: I'm suing

Howard Stern: You are suing?
David Duchovny: yeah

Howard Stern: How much are you suing for?
David Duchovny: Oh, that doesn't matter

Howard Stern: Why can't I sue somebody?
Robin: Cause they never lie about you

Howard Stern: Yeah, they never lie, they tell the truth. No, no, they have lied tremendous amounts
David Duchovny: And you've never sued?

Howard Stern: This year they have lied alot
David Duchovny: And you have not sued?

Howard Stern: No, I don't sue anybody.
David Duchovny: Why not?

Howard Stern: No, I do sue. I sue people
Robin: Well, they haven't been malicious

Howard Stern: Well, in my case no one would ever believe it would be malicious
David Duchovny: Because you're separated it's not as malicious

Howard Stern: Right, it's fair game, but I have kids and stuff like that
Robin: They don't care

Howard Stern: They don't care
David Duchovny: The kids don't care?

Howard Stern: No the kids do care
Robin: No, I'm saying the tabloids don't care
David Duchovny: That's the horrible part, but you know

Howard Stern: Do you think your marriage will last to Tea Leoni
David Duchovny: Yes, I do

Howard Stern: Beautiful woman, don't get wrong
David Duchovny: Yes, I do

Howard Stern: But the temptation to kiss Minnie Driver (David laughing) and the other girls is there, I mean you are sexy hollywood...
David Duchovny: Temptation to smear mayonnaise on women and throw baloney at them?

Howard Stern: By the way, speaking of that, let these broads meet you
Robin: These girls..
David Duchovny: You know I wanted to come in here to stop it and meet them before you ...
Robin: What are you trying to ruin our fun?
David Duchovny: yeah, then I thought it would ruin your fun. Hey, can I just talk about that Minnie thing for a second?

Howard Stern: Yeah, go ahead. Let's address that. Let's get that over with
David Duchovny: what happened was Minnie and I went to the movies in Malibu

Howard Stern: Why?
David Duchovny: Because we're friends now because we've made this movie together

Howard Stern: When I was married, I could not go to the movies with a female friend
Robin: Why not?
David Duchovny: It was a mistake

Howard Stern: It is a mistake
David Duchovny: I will admit that that was a mistake
Robin: But why do you think that was now?
David Duchovny: I didn't come here to talk about Howard (laughing)

Howard Stern: Why do I think
Robin: Why do you think
David Duchovny: You guys can talk all the time

Howard Stern: The reason you can't have friends... excuse us David.. the reason you can't have friends when you are married is that the woman gets jealous
David Duchovny: That's not true
Robin: Oh, please

Howard Stern: And it gets misconstrued
David Duchovny: That's true.

Howard Stern: When you are running around with another woman you are somehow having an affair
Robin: Well, yeah if it gets into the newspaper

Howard Stern: Why wasn't he going to the movies with his wife?
David Duchovny: She was in New York

Howard Stern: She was in New York because she was going to the movies with me
Robin: She's going to the movies with Ed Norton
David Duchovny: Ed Norton? The guy from the Honeymooners?

Howard Stern: Right. Seriously... you got lonely
David Duchovny: No no no

Howard Stern: you can't go to the movies with a man?
David Duchovny: This is the truth

Howard Stern: This is the truth...
Robin: All his guy friends were busy
David Duchovny: I wouldn't lie to you Howard. I wanted to go to the movies. It was Being John Malkovich.

Howard Stern: I saw that. What did you think of that?
David Duchovny: It was pretty good
Robin: Not a raving endorsement

Howard Stern: It's not a great movie
David Duchovny: I'm happy that a movie like that got done

Howard Stern: I was glad when it was done (all laughing)
David Duchovny: Alright..
Robin: you had enough of being John Malkovich

Howard Stern: Was it a drive-in movie you took her to?
David Duchovny: A drive in?

Howard Stern: So you could make out in the car with Minnie who has a smoking little body. He didn't go to the movies with some dog, let me tell ya.
Robin: You didn't call that witch
David Duchovny: so, uh, what they don't report in the story is that Gary Shandling was with us the entire time

Howard Stern: So, you were making out with Gary as well
David Duchovny: Absolutely, actually, I was only making out with Gary

Howard Stern: But isn't that the usual move when you're having an affair to have a male friend with you to make it look like you aren't with her alone
David Duchovny: Howard, if I were having an affair would go to a public place

Howard Stern: Exactly. That's exactly what I would do
Robin: Ask Geraldo

Howard Stern: Geraldo is in a booth taking pictures with the chic. I mean, you sex addicts are crazy
David Duchovny: Right, right because I'm a sex addict (laughing)

Howard Stern: So, you
David Duchovny: Sometimes I forget that I'm a sex addict

Howard Stern: Alright. Forget about that. We've proven you aren't a sex addict, in fact your wife even said that she has heard the rumors that you were a sex addict and then she met you and realized you were not
David Duchovny: yeah, because we hardly ever make love

Howard Stern: Hardly make love
David Duchovny: yeah

Howard Stern: But you've been married now how many years?
David Duchovny: Almost 3 years
Robin: Really?

Howard Stern: And you don't often say.. gee, Minnie Driver is attractive, there is probably some chemistry there, you are making a movie together. There is a temptation. There are so many good looking people around. And your wife is beautiful, I'm not saying that..
David Duchovny: yeah, I know

Howard Stern: But the temptation is not there you say?
David Duchovny: uh huh. No, not with someone you are working with because you don't want to screw up... to me the job is more important than any of that

Howard Stern: To be honest, when I did my movie I wanted to make love to all the women on it
David Duchovny: That's because you are a neophyte

Howard Stern: Thank you for saying that by the way. Robin, what's a neophyte? (all laughing) I think I've been insulted. Now, you have many lawsuits going on now. But wait, the movie thing with Minnie. You went with Gary, and that's your buddy Gary Shandling?
David Duchovny: yeah, he..

Howard Stern: HE does not look well.
David Duchovny: He's fine
Robin: Is he a sad guy? He always looks like he's having a bad time to me
David Duchovny: No, he's actually much more content than he appears to be. He...
Robin: Really?

Howard Stern: Who's his girlfriend now? I know he broke up with that uh...what's her name
David Duchovny: You know, you guys with your research are just spot on... "he broke up with what's her name"

Howard Stern: Why didn't he bang Minnie? If uh, you weren't banging Minnie.
David Duchovny: Why didn't he bang Minnie???? She has a boyfriend

Howard Stern: Josh Brolin, is that correct?
David Duchovny: Right

Howard Stern: Famous for being James Brolin's son
Robin: And Barbara Streisand's stepson David Duchovny: and he's an actor in his own right...

Howard Stern: Did you get to go to the house of uh... Did you go with Minnie and James Brolin's son to the house
David Duchovny: What do you think?
Robin: Did you watch James and Barbara
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: Those two are madly in love, James Brolin and Barbara Streisand, with themselves
Robin: You've got to watch that

Howard Stern: You've got to watch that. I understand they even get massaged together
Robin: And hold hands

Howard Stern: And hold hands during it. Yeah, one hand each
David Duchovny: that's a strong guy

Howard Stern: So, you hang out with a pretty fast crowd. You've got Gary Shandling and Minnie Driver.
David Duchovny: I don't really hang out with Minnie. I've seen her maybe 3 or 4 times since we finished the movie.

Howard Stern: Let me ask you something, now when this report comes out in the paper... does your wife confront you and say "What is this? You're making out with Minnie Driver?" What, do you feel compelled to go explain to her?
David Duchovny: Sure you feel compelled to...

Howard Stern: So it created a problem in your life...
Robin: So, is that what happened, it came out in the paper? Did you find out about it first, or did she...
David Duchovny: yeah, those lovely tabloids always give you a heads up, when..
Robin: So, they call
David Duchovny: They call for comment (all laughing)

Howard Stern: So, wait a second, when this happens to you, when this tragedy happens to you
David Duchovny: It's not a tragedy, it's..

Howard Stern: It is a tragedy because then your wife gets suspicious
David Duchovny: It's a pain in the A

Howard Stern: Right. So, you say to your wife, listen honey, I went to the movies with Gary Shandling..
David Duchovny: She already knew I went to the movies with Minnie and Gary

Howard Stern: And you said, look
David Duchovny: No, when I was sitting there, there was some A-hole taking pictures of us.

Howard Stern: Really?
David Duchovny: So, I said to Minnie, there's going to be a story of us having an affair. And when I got home from the movie I called Tea. She'd known that I was going to the movies with Gary and...I said, there was a photographer there, there is going to be a story at some point, so we fully expected it.

Howard Stern: Yeah, ok, so Tea trusts you. I wouldn't trust you, but Tea does.
David Duchovny: Well, you're not married to me.
Robin: So, she trust you...

Howard Stern: Do you want me to spank you with a rubber chicken.
David Duchovny: Oh, I'd like that

Howard Stern: I'm not marrying you
David Duchovny: I don't want to marry you.. I'll use you and throw you away

Howard Stern: Treat me like a dog
David Duchovny: Yeah, I want to grab your hair

Howard Stern: Yeah, my mane. It's like a lions mane. Ok. So you and Gary Shandling are close
David Duchovny: You are looking good, Howard

Howard Stern: Am I? Very few people say that. Coming from a handsome man like you
Robin: Now you've been talking about getting your hair cut, he's got a new haircut
David Duchovny: I just washed it and didn't put any product in it

Howard Stern: Yeah, you'll get a lot of product in my hair. So, anyway, how does Minnie kiss? (all laughing)
David Duchovny: I don't...

Howard Stern: No, I've met Minnie Driver many times
David Duchovny: I hate to tell you this because it's gonna turn some people off from going to see the movie, but the movie is so chaste and kind of innocent that we ...
Robin: What, you don't even touch?
David Duchovny: No no, we do kiss, but it's not even a french kiss.

Howard Stern: I like the premise of this movie. I like romantic movies
David Duchovny: This is such a romantic movie. And not only.. the way I am circumventing the lack of sex in the film is that I am personally guaranteeing that if men take women to this movie, they'll get laid later.

Howard Stern: I read that. I read that you are saying that women get so sort of, turned on by the movie that they will get laid after the movie.
David Duchovny: yeah, I made that guarantee and then my manager's book keeper, who is a 70 year old woman, she called my manager and said that she would have to get her money back because I don't think I'm going to get any
Robin: Right

Howard Stern: Yeah, but the movie's premise is a good one. In other words you are a married man , you are happily married, and your wife is killed in a bizarre accident. She dies and her heart is given to another woman. And you go around looking for this woman who received the hear.
David Duchovny: No, I just happen to meet Minnie, who is a waitress in a restaurant.
Robin: And you are drawn to her, but you don't know why

Howard Stern: And she has your wife's hear?
David Duchovny: Right. And then we figure out later

Howard Stern: And you don't kiss her in the movie? Well, you kiss her, but not even a french kiss? What, are you a homosexual in this movie?
David Duchovny: yeah, that's it

Howard Stern: I would think you would have sex with her
Robin: yeah, he's a homosexual who just lost his wife
David Duchovny: hey, it happens alot!

Howard Stern: Was Minnie the first choice to play your love interest?
David Duchovny: You know, I didn't have any choices. That would be a Bonnie Hunt question.

Howard Stern: Bonnie Hunt? Isn't that Mike's sister?
David Duchovny: Oh oh....

Howard Stern: Mike Hunt
Robin: You had to say it

Howard Stern: so.. in other words Minnie Driver..
David Duchovny: Do you know Bonnie Hunt?

Howard Stern: I guess I don't
David Duchovny: Bonnie is one of the funniest women on the planet
Robin: She's that blonde

Howard Stern: That Letterman is in love with?
David Duchovny: No, they..
Robin: He gave her a tv show

Howard Stern: Oh, right, oh sure I know who that is
David Duchovny: She's a good actress and she's funny and she's directed a movie that is really, really funny

Howard Stern: ok. So, this is going to be a good movie and you feel it will be well reviewed?
David Duchovny: yeah, it is already well reviewed

Howard Stern: It is already well reviewed?
David Duchovny: Yeah

Howard Stern: So, now it's just a matter of getting the public to go out and see it
David Duchovny: That's why I'm here, Howard

Howard Stern: Smart man
David Duchovny: It's for the public

Howard Stern: We can deliver 3 or 4 hundred people. No, the people will go see it. I like the premise. I like a romantic movie. I don't want to go..
Robin: You do like romantic movies David Duchovny: Take one of the many women you are seeing
Robin: No, friends

Howard Stern: Friends? No, I'm the sex addict it turns out.
David Duchovny: You are kind of like the methidone addict of sex addicts. Because you aren't really getting any, you are getting the fake stuff.

Howard Stern: No. I'm in too much pain to be going out and having sex
David Duchovny: No, I'm sure that's true

Howard Stern: That is true
Robin: What did it give you a rash?

Howard Stern: No, I mean, it's... you understand.. this is very upsetting
David Duchovny: No, it's upsetting. How long were you with your wife?

Howard Stern: 23 years
David Duchovny: That's just got to be horrible

Howard Stern: It's awful. It's a terrible thing to happen
David Duchovny: So, you don't want to do anything right now, even though it's very hard for you not to

Howard Stern: Well, I'm horny
David Duchovny: well, not only that but because you're so public, but you don't want to do anything because you might get back together.
Robin: Oh...right

Howard Stern: Yeah, we might
David Duchovny: wait, is that bad?

Howard Stern: No. I don't know.
David Duchovny: She understands your job and what you have to do, but you don't want to cross the line. Because there is a line, you just don't know where it is.

Howard Stern: Right. Oh, I know where it is. I'm trying to cross that line
David Duchovny: It exists

Howard Stern: Now, Gary Shandling is the opposite of you. You became a family man, and Gary Shandling dates like a motherfer.
Robin: Does he?

Howard Stern: Hell, yeah. He loves to date
Robin: I never see him out with women

Howard Stern: No, you wont ever see him out with women
David Duchovny: He's extremely private, Gary

Howard Stern: Oh, he's a lover though. I mean look at him. He's so handsome to look at
David Duchovny: that's not nice

Howard Stern: Oh, come on, Gary is a mess like I am. You don't look like Gary, you've got a nice face.
Robin: Yeah, why would Gary hang around with him? What's wrong with him?

Howard Stern: He should be hanging out with me. Have you ever seen Shandling nude?
David Duchovny: yeah

Howard Stern: Oh! really.. because you guys play basketball together and stuff? And you change in the locker room?
David Duchovny: Yeah, and then a horn goes off, and it's everybody in the pool

Howard Stern: But you guys play basketball, right? Like a regular basketball game? Does Gary play?
David Duchovny: Yeah, Gary's a better player than you think

Howard Stern: Really? I'm shocked. How many guys play in this game
David Duchovny: Just two. Just me and Gary

Howard Stern: Is that true?
David Duchovny: Well, it's sometimes 3 on 3

Howard Stern: Really? Ok. Give me the list of celebrities
David Duchovny: I can't give you that

Howard Stern: Please
David Duchovny: Oh come on

Howard Stern: Why are you being like that
David Duchovny: it's what they do on weekends

Howard Stern: So, what, why are you being like that? It's a basketball game not a love affair.
David Duchovny: Um.. who goes... Kevin Neelan

Howard Stern: I know Kevin Neelan
David Duchovny: Very funny guy

Howard Stern: Do you need to be a funny guy to be in this game?
David Duchovny: It helps

Howard Stern: Alright so Shandling, Neelan....And Neelan plays with his hair, or without his hair?
Robin: Oh oh....
David Duchovny: uh..

Howard Stern: Well, he's sweating, who wants to see all that fake hair
Robin: well, it's funny

Howard Stern: Who else... Shandling, you, Neelan. Kevin Neelan is a tall guy, so I imagine he would be a good basketball player
David Duchovny: Kevin's a good athelete. There's a girl who plays sometimes

Howard Stern: Who's the girl
David Duchovny: Sara Silverman

Howard Stern: I know who that is, the comedienne. She's cute. You don't want to bang her?
Robin: Why do you hang out with all these comediennes?
David Duchovny: uh, I don't hang out with only comediennes

Howard Stern: He fancies himself a comedienne
Robin: It's this dramatic actor who wants to be a funny

Howard Stern: Yeah, everyone wants to be something they are not. So, you hang around with Sara Silverman, Neelan and Shandling. You play at Shandling's house mostly.. he has a big court?
David Duchovny: yeah

Howard Stern: And you've seen Gary nude?
David Duchovny: No actually, I haven't.

Howard Stern: I didn't think that was going to happen. You ever see Sara nude?
David Duchovny: No. No H. No. Yeah, he saw her
David Duchovny: I tried not to get into this

Howard Stern: That's alright, I'm fascinated with your life.
Robin: Now how often do they play? Is it like a Tuesday night game
David Duchovny: Once a week on the weekends

Howard Stern: Once a week? I need a weekend game
David Duchovny: You do.

Howard Stern: I do. I've been trying to organize one.
Robin: And?

Howard Stern: I'm too tired to play
David Duchovny: Sandler also has a game. When you are out in LA you can call him up

Howard Stern: I don't think Sandler is going to want to play a game with me
David Duchovny: Why? What's going on?

Howard Stern: Well, he's uptight
David Duchovny: With you?

Howard Stern: Yeah, because I don't like his movies
David Duchovny: Oh, I didn't know that

Howard Stern: Yeah. Do you like his movies?
David Duchovny: I haven't seen them.. I don't watch..
Robin: You haven't seen any of his movies?
David Duchovny: Honestly, I haven't. I've heard he's very funny

Howard Stern: You are leaving the XFiles?
David Duchovny: I don't know.
Robin: This is your last season. They say you aren't re-upping
David Duchovny: Possible

Howard Stern: Why? Why not re-up? What did you mean? Do you want more money?
David Duchovny: No, actually. It's a combo...it's not so much boredom. I only get two months off and... R&

Howard Stern: Awwwwwww only two months. That's terrible. Oh how horrible. My goodness. What do you want to do stay home with the wife?
David Duchovny: Let me know when I can finish my sentence...

Howard Stern: Go ahead. What? You want to do more films? You want to do more film work
David Duchovny: My turn now?

Howard Stern: Go ahead
David Duchovny: Yeah and I would like to do other things with my life and my career, so.. uh, if I could...I made terms available to FOX by which I would come back

Howard Stern: Right
Robin: So, instead of being on on a regular basis, you would
David Duchovny: Well, I'm not going to negotiate this here

Howard Stern: Why not? What else do you have to do
David Duchovny: I'm just responding..

Howard Stern: We can talk about that basketball again. It gives us more time for Minnie
David Duchovny: So, I've got my terms
Robin: Well, you know you have them by the..

Howard Stern: Balls
Robin: Because Chris has said that he wont do it without you.
David Duchovny: No he hasn't.
Robin: I read that the other day

Howard Stern: He's sticking up for his man
David Duchovny: That's bull ( I think...)

Howard Stern: Are you.. Now, you don't like Gillian Anderson, the woman you work with...
David Duchovny: I do!

Howard Stern: No, you have made statements in the past
David Duchovny: I have never

Howard Stern: And your relationship with her is somewhat strained
Robin: Strained? Or strange?

Howard Stern: Strained. Let me read it to you
David Duchovny: No, it's not

Howard Stern: "Our relationship is odd. It's completely fabricated. When work is over. She is the last person I want to see"
David Duchovny: That not only extends to her, but when work is over, I don't want to see anyone from work.

Howard Stern: What about her contract?
David Duchovny: Do you and Robin socialize after the show?

Howard Stern: Very rarely
David Duchovny: I'm sorry

Howard Stern: I would like to see her, she doesn't want to see me. So, you are telling me that you do like Gillian Anderson.
David Duchovny: I do like Gillian Anderson.

Howard Stern: And her contract is not being negotiated, she will be in the show?
Robin: She has another year, I think
David Duchovny: that's true

Howard Stern: So, she would continue without you
David Duchovny: She has to

Howard Stern: She has to?
David Duchovny: Right

Howard Stern: Interesting. Let these two women meet you. DD is the star of a new movie. Return to Me which opens Friday. Why did I not get a screening of this movie?
David Duchovny: Why didn't you?

Howard Stern: It's your fault. You are supposed to arrange that
David Duchovny: I am?

Howard Stern: Yes. These two women have suffered humiliation
David Duchovny: Yes, I am aware of that
Robin: They are in love with you

Howard Stern: They are in love with you
David Duchovny: I'd like to apologize to you for what you had to go through

Howard Stern: Well, you had nothing to do with it
David Duchovny: There is no way I can actually live up to being beaten by a rubber chicken

Howard Stern: Now this woman is a witch and she wanted to meet you
David Duchovny: Is that a Princeton yearbook?

Howard Stern: Tara you are holding what? A Princeton yearbook? Tara yeah,
Robin: David's year? Tara yeah
David Duchovny: I hope so

Howard Stern: David's a smart guy
Robin: 1982?
David Duchovny: 1882

Howard Stern: And you wanted to meet him, you went through having mayonnaise smeared on your chest
David Duchovny: What are their names?

Howard Stern: Tara and the witch
David Duchovny: Wicca

Howard Stern: Wicca. Oh, he goofs on that too all the time
David Duchovny: Hilary was a good sport.

Howard Stern: They both were Hilary: Can I hit you with a rubber chicken?

Howard Stern: He'd do it, believe me
David Duchovny: Maybe later

Howard Stern: So, you have a website. What do you do? You sit on the internet and you have pictures of DD. Hilary No, I don't really do the pictures or video kind of thing. I have fanfiction and images
Robin: What is fanfiction? You keep throwing out terms
David Duchovny: I don't know Hilary Oh, you don't know
David Duchovny: I've never been on the internet

Howard Stern: You've never been on? You aren't serious
David Duchovny: No, I think you are just going to run into something that is going to humiliate you

Howard Stern: Believe me you will
David Duchovny: It's like walking into the dog..

Howard Stern: What is fanfiction for DD Hilary Fanfiction is short stories, novels sometimes poetry that is written using the characters from television and movies

Howard Stern: So, it's not DD, it's his character from XFiles Hilary Oh yeah, I write Mulder and Scully, I don't write Actor fic

Howard Stern: Really? So, you guys are in love with this guy. Is that what you are here to say?
David Duchovny: Sounds like she's in love with Mulder, to me Hilary Thank you. That's exactly it.
David Duchovny: Ok.

Howard Stern: Well, you find him attractive don't you? He's the reason you are in love. Hilary Well, he's Mulder. Mulder's him. But...
Robin: Let me ask you a question

Howard Stern: She doesn't have a husband or a boyfriend
David Duchovny: She's got a firm grasp on reality
Robin: Have you ever closed your eyes... Hilary And?
Robin: And had Mulder visit?

Howard Stern: And touch yourself. When you are rubbing yourself
David Duchovny: Robin, have you?

Howard Stern: Uh, yes, she has
Robin: Let's not talk about it

Howard Stern: You have actually, haven't you
David Duchovny: Robin, the fact that you like me and like the show has been a source of great comfort to me over the years
Robin: Oh, I'm glad
David Duchovny: Howard, can you look the other way while I...

Howard Stern: yeah, go ahead do what you want
David Duchovny: Look the other way

Howard Stern: I'm looking the other way
David Duchovny: you're cramping me

Howard Stern: Now what do you do? Rub yourself to David Duchovny's image? Seriously, have you ever thought of making love with him?
Robin: Tell the truth Hilary (Laughing).. uh, Mulder

Howard Stern: Mulder? Really? (plays a vibrator sound) Interesting
David Duchovny: Is that her shaving?

Howard Stern: Yeah. And you are such a fan Tara that you have this yearbook? Tara Yeah, it was a Christmas/Hannukah present from one of my friends
David Duchovny: Can I ask you a question? Tara yeah
David Duchovny: Did you get that book from someone who actually was at Princeton, or can you actually purchase those like from Ebay Tara I don't know. I think he got it off of Ebay, but he wouldn't tell me how he got it.
David Duchovny: I think Ebay should just be thrown in jail. The whole thing.
Robin: Why?

Howard Stern: Me, too
David Duchovny: Selling yearbooks? That's like selling someone else's Heisman trophy
Robin: Yeah, but it was probably someone from your class who sold it

Howard Stern: So, wait, you are such a fan of DD's that you would like to make love to him, right? Be honest. Tara You have to know somebody before you make love to them

Howard Stern: Oh right. I forgot I'm not a girl.
Robin: It's a guy that she fantasizes about. When she fantasizes, she makes up a whole personality to go with it

Howard Stern: I don't have to know anybody to make love to them.
David Duchovny: I'm proud that these two women are intelligent and are answering the questions really well. I'm so proud of them...

Howard Stern: They'd go in the bathroom right now and give you oral sex. I believe. So, you bought the yearbook why? Because you are a DD fan, or a Mulder fan. Tara I'm a DD fan. This was a gift though.
Robin: What else have you seen him in?
David Duchovny: I think that they should wrestle then. The Mulder fan against the Duchovny fan
Robin: I want to know what else you've seen him in Tara He's done Kalifornia, the Rapture.
David Duchovny: Enough. I love this woman Tara Julia Has Two Lovers.
David Duchovny: She's all over the place. She's right

Howard Stern: Wow Tara Red Shoe Diaries
David Duchovny: Yeah!

Howard Stern: He's your kind of man Tara Yes.
Robin: It's the look you like Tara Yes

Howard Stern: Go out and find someone who looks like that
Robin: Good Luck

Howard Stern: Better go to Hollywood.
David Duchovny: Go to 11th st and 2nd ave, they all look like that

Howard Stern: Is it true that you were once JFK Jr's roommate on a class trip?
David Duchovny: Yeah, on a class trip

Howard Stern: How does that work? How do you get to be his roommate on a class trip?
David Duchovny: I went to Collegiate on 77th and Broadway

Howard Stern: That's a high school?
David Duchovny: Yeah, it's a high school

Howard Stern: He went to Collegiate?
David Duchovny: He left after 9th grade

Howard Stern: He did. He wasn't that bright so they threw him out?
David Duchovny: No, he went to boarding school. I went to high school there

Howard Stern: Was the secret service up your ass? Where they all over you?
David Duchovny: No, they were really pretty mellow, but they were around

Howard Stern: What's it like to be in a room with John F Kennedy Jr. Now there's a major tookie (sp?) bandit, he can get tons of women
David Duchovny: This is 9th grade

Howard Stern: Doesn't matter, I'm sure he was getting girls at that point
Robin: 20 year olds going after him
David Duchovny: Well, we were in an all boys school so if there was any tookie being given, it would have been mine.

Howard Stern: You were sharing the room with him did you go "Oh my God, he's such a hunk"
David Duchovny: Yeah, he I jumped him

Howard Stern: What did you talk about that night? Did you become good friends?
David Duchovny: Uh, no. friends, but in the way that 14 year olds talk. I can't tell you.. I can't remember what we talked about
Robin: It was no big deal to you?
David Duchovny: Well, it was when I first got to the school. I was from the lower east side, and I remember

Howard Stern: But it sounds like you were a rich kid?
David Duchovny: No no no

Howard Stern: How did you get into this school?
David Duchovny: SCHOLARSHIP!

Howard Stern: A Scholarship? You were that smart?
David Duchovny: I don't know that I was that smart

Howard Stern: Now when you were in the room with JFK Jr. Now obviously, at night, you had to get into something to wear
David Duchovny: Anyway, the first day of school, I sat there, and of course, I was fascinated by the fact that JFK Jr was at the school. I sat down at school and asked which one was John John. And the kid next to me kind of slowly turned and said, "His name is John". So, that's the way it was. I just had to learn.

Howard Stern: You didn't become close friends with him, but through some quirk of fate, you become his roommate for the class trip
David Duchovny: I think they put the scholarship kid in with him. I dont know what they did.

Howard Stern: Right. So, you had to earn your way into that school, and he bought his way in. Is that right? Did you resent that?
David Duchovny: I'm not agreeing with what you said, and no, I didn't.

Howard Stern: Oh believe me, he didn't get in there the same way you did. Now when you were on this school trip and I don't know where you went, do you remember where you went?
David Duchovny: Washington, DC

Howard Stern: Washington, DC. Do you remember why you were there?
David Duchovny: Class trip

Howard Stern: Class trip, see the FBI, Smithsonian
Robin: He went to the White House and went on the regular tour because he's never been on it.

Howard Stern: Don't you think that's strange that he toured the White House?
David Duchovny: I think it was his first time back

Howard Stern: Really? So you were with him when he went back to the White House for the very first time
David Duchovny: What was odd was that we were really very protective of him. The guide of the White House had been alerted the JFK Jr. was in this group although he didn't know what he looked like. And he kept on trying to find out which one he was by putting out little asides. But we wouldn't give it away. He would say "John, you may remember this..." and look around.

Howard Stern: So, he wasn't obnoxious. He wasn't like "Tour Guide, you've got that wrong". He was a very nice, down to earth guy
David Duchovny: John was a very gentle guy

Howard Stern: He was a very gentle guy?
David Duchovny: especially in bed with me...

Howard Stern: I knew him
David Duchovny: You were being sincere?

Howard Stern: Yeah, I'm being sincere. And his wife was fabulous. She was a wonderful woman
Robin: Now, you weren't her roommate of hers on some trip?

Howard Stern: I wish I was a roommate of hers... I was banging her.
David Duchovny: I guess even when you're dead you can't get away.

Howard Stern: I'm asking you this sincerely...
David Duchovny: yeahhhhhh

Howard Stern: When it came time to go to bed, you saw JFK Jr. naked didn't you?
David Duchovny: No!

Howard Stern: Why?
David Duchovny: I don't know. Maybe I did, I don't remember.

Howard Stern: you don't remember? You didn't say to yourself "Gee, I have JFK Jr. naked I'm gonna see what's doing in his pants?
Robin: 14 year olds getting naked with each other?

Howard Stern: Sure they do.
David Duchovny: It wasn't a Catholic school

Howard Stern: You didn't see him naked?
David Duchovny: I'm shy, I don't look

Howard Stern: It would burn a hole in your retina.
David Duchovny: I'm sure we were wearing underwear

Howard Stern: This is a famous person nude in your room. I'm not gay, but I would look
David Duchovny: 14, you're thinking this is a famous person , I should..

Howard Stern: Yes, I would
David Duchovny: Not at 14 you wouldn't

Howard Stern: I don't believe it.

Howard Stern: Samantha, you are on the air with DD. His new movie Return to Me stars Minnie Driver. It's a love story about a guy who loses his wife and Minnie Driver gets her heart, and he finds her.
David Duchovny: But it's funny as hell

Howard Stern: It is funny? You say it's funny.
David Duchovny: It's funny

Howard Stern: It's a romantic comedy?
David Duchovny: It's not a romantic comedy. It's... a story that is hysterically funny. There are scenes in this movies where.. there are no punchlines, but you laugh through the entire scene.

Howard Stern: Obviously, you must love the movie because you are out there promoting it.
David Duchovny: I do. I'm proud of Bonnie. I'm proud of everybody.

Howard Stern: Go ahead Samantha, what's up? S: Hi, Howard. I have to let you know something. I love you. I've listened to you for years. And Robin. But this guy's a dick.

Howard Stern: Why is he a dick? S: Who does he think he is? He's so stuck up.

Howard Stern: He's not stuck up. He's a very down to earth guy. S: Awww he wants you to let him finish his sentences. Come one.

Howard Stern: I happen to like David S: That's ok if you like him, I really don't. I don't even think he's good looking.

Howard Stern: awwwwwww. Girls is he good looking?
Hilary Yes

Howard Stern: Will you fight he
Robin: T&
Hilary Yes
David Duchovny: Tara, Tara don't.

Howard Stern: That would be great.

Howard Stern: Here's big black, he wants to say something
David Duchovny: Thanks for letting that last call through.

Howard Stern: go ahead BB: David, You and Howard's worst enemies Kathie Lee and Rosie are going to ruin his life tomorrow

Howard Stern: Why?
David Duchovny: What the "Who wants to be a millionaire"

Howard Stern: Are you doing "WWBACM"?
Robin: awwwww No

Howard Stern: I'll tell you why I am against that
David Duchovny: Ok.

Howard Stern: I believe WWBAM is a great show
David Duchovny: I don't

Howard Stern: You don't like it?
David Duchovny: No.

Howard Stern: I like it.
Robin: Why are you doing it if you don't like it?

Howard Stern: Why are you doing it?
David Duchovny: I could win a million dollars for charity

Howard Stern: That's why you are doing it?
David Duchovny: A million dollars!

Howard Stern: My money is on you. You are a smart guy
Robin: You could also bomb out on the 100 question and look like an idiot.

Howard Stern: Will they make the questions easier because you are a celebrity?
David Duchovny: I hope so
BB: Hey, Dave what were your SAT scores
David Duchovny: oh...

Howard Stern: What were your SAT scores? And don't say you don't remember because of course you do. Were you a 1600 guy
Robin: 1400
David Duchovny: Yeah, I do. 1360
Robin: But he's done Jeopardy and won

Howard Stern: What did you get in Math
David Duchovny: I got 680s on both of them
BB: I got 740 on my math

Howard Stern: You are a liar
Robin: Oh please go back and play on your computer

Howard Stern: I'll tell you why I am against it. I like the show
David Duchovny: I don't like the show
Robin: Why don't you like the show
David Duchovny: Can I tell you why I don't like it?

Howard Stern: yeah.
David Duchovny: We are doing the XFiles and we are working our asses off

Howard Stern: Right
David Duchovny: And they walk out with a million dollars and they squash us in the ratings. All they do is bring out a suitcase full of money

Howard Stern: Alright, you have a special reason because you put all this work into a show
David Duchovny: We try to actually make a good show, we care, and we've been doing it for 7 years. We've worked really hard, and we do care.

Howard Stern: I like a good game. I like the drama of it
David Duchovny: I've watched it too

Howard Stern: When the celebrities are on...
David Duchovny: I feel like I shouldn't finish my sentence now that that I've been attacked...
Robin: Right

Howard Stern: When the celebrities are on, I feel, they don't take the game all that seriously.
Robin: They lose the drama.

Howard Stern: They don't need the money. They aren't playing for themselves. I'd like to see someone who really needs a million dollars. Yes, you are playing for charity
David Duchovny: I agree.

Howard Stern: It ruins the game
David Duchovny: It's not my idea.

Howard Stern: Why are you playing then?
David Duchovny: For Charity

Howard Stern: I would like you to resign from the game
David Duchovny: Ok. You give me a million dollars to give to my charity.

Howard Stern: No, I'm not doing that. You've got to be crazy
David Duchovny: Then I'm going to go play

Howard Stern: Ok. Let's go to Tom. You are on with DD, his new movie is called RTM and it stars DD and Minnie Driver and it opens this Friday. Tom: Dude, this morning, I saw David driving to your show. And he was smoking a joint out the window of the limo.
Robin: oh, right!

Howard Stern: David, why do you smoke a joint before the show
Robin: I would at least keep the windows closed

Howard Stern: Do you not smoke weed? He's shaking his head. Why? Did you smoke weed when you came here? And you can't sue this guy.
Tom: Come on, I saw you

Howard Stern: Is that true? Do you smoke weed? I've been known to smoke occassionally
David Duchovny: Good for you Howard
Robin: Did you smoke with JFK Jr.?
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: Did you smoke weed on the way over here?
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: Do you and Tea ever relax and smoke weed?
David Duchovny: Don't bring Tea into it

Howard Stern: I figure if you are doing it, she's doing it.
David Duchovny: I think ... we should take another call

Howard Stern: By the way, you have multiple lawsuits going.
David Duchovny: two

Howard Stern: Who else are you suing?
David Duchovny: FOX
Robin: Is that still going on? They haven't settled with you yet?
David Duchovny: No that could go on...

Howard Stern: You are mad because
David Duchovny: I'm mad?

Howard Stern: No, you're mad because they took the XFiles and they put them on FX
David Duchovny: That's not why I'm mad

Howard Stern: No, you're mad because they sold them for what you think is a lot less value
David Duchovny: To themselves

Howard Stern: To themselves
David Duchovny: yes, it's called vertical integration
Robin: And it cost you money

Howard Stern: And had they sold it to somebody else you would have gotten $25 million dollars
David Duchovny: Right because I own a piece of the show

Howard Stern: As it is, you got almost nothing. Believe me, I know, I have a show on FX
David Duchovny: How's that show going?

Howard Stern: It's going great. We just got picked up for 7 new episodes.
David Duchovny: Are you getting good ratings?

Howard Stern: Yes, we're getting good ratings. The best ratings ever
David Duchovny: Is it good?

Howard Stern: Have you seen it?
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: Well, why don't you take a look at it? I think you'll love it.
David Duchovny: Tell me when it's on
Robin: Why did you look at him and say "Is it realllllllly funny?"

Howard Stern: I don't do anything that isn't funny
David Duchovny: I'm asking

Howard Stern: Have you seen the reviews on this show?
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: Let me tell you, it's not easy for me to get a good review.
Robin: If Gary Shandling was involved, you would assume it was funny

Howard Stern: Yeah because he kisses Gary Shandling's ass. Gary never made a commercial success in his life
David Duchovny: Gary would be involved in the writing and the making...

Howard Stern: Oh, you just think I have my name on it
David Duchovny: I do.

Howard Stern: You are smoking weed
David Duchovny: What are you doing on the show? I'm not being insulting, I'm asking

Howard Stern: I am involved in every aspect
David Duchovny: really? Craft services?

Howard Stern: Margaret you are on the air. M: Hi. I remember seeing trailers for your movie. I remember seeing a different name, something like Straight from the Heart, or something

Howard Stern: Why was the name of your movie changed?
David Duchovny: I don't think.. The script that we shot was called RTM, so I don't imagine that it was ever called anything else.

Howard Stern: It concerns me that you have never been on the internet. You are a curious guy, you are bright guy. Why would you ignore that aspect of society?
David Duchovny: Because when I ... if I was to go on Hilary's website... it's just...
Robin: There are other things out there besides DD stuff

Howard Stern: Not really. For a while, I would go onto the internet, and all I would see was Howard Stern stuff.
David Duchovny: Well...
Robin: You know I've never seen Howard Stern, or seen anything that has to do with you..
David Duchovny: Can I...

Howard Stern: Steve, you are on the air with DD, RTM. S: What' s the deal baby. I used to play against DD in high school in basketball
David Duchovny: What's your name? S: My name is Steve, and I went to Petty
David Duchovny: Oh, yeah, how ya doing? S: I'm alright. We used to smash you.
David Duchovny: No you didn't. S: Yes, we did. Matter of fact, we came to your gym. Howard, the gym is like on the 6th floor of their building
David Duchovny: that's true

Howard Stern: It's a.. you were a high school basketball player?
David Duchovny: Me?

Howard Stern: Yeah
David Duchovny: yeah

Howard Stern: I didn't know that S: They would play in our tournament and we would smash you
David Duchovny: No.. nope, you got your facts wrong. My brother.

Howard Stern: There you go.

Howard Stern: One last phone call for DD. And then we have to wrap it up. Mike, go ahead. M: You are a pussy

Howard Stern: Why am I a pussy? M: Your wife is probably home getting banged by every man, while you are doing nothing.
Robin: And what's that got to do with David

Howard Stern: Why does that make me a pussy? M: That's the problem man

Howard Stern: You know, you out to come down here so I can kick your ass. M: You don't want me to come down there.

Howard Stern: Oh, I'll kick your ass, I'll beat your ass
David Duchovny: I'll help you beat his ass.

Howard Stern: Thank you. I don't need your help, but thank you. I'll beat his ass myself
David Duchovny: I'll hold him while you beat his ass M: I'll beat both your asses man, and the XFiles sucks
David Duchovny: Oh, ouch, how can I go on.
Robin: What can we see of yours that is so incredibly good?

Howard Stern: What show have you done? M: I don't have to be on a show cause I'll be banging Howard's wife. I'll tape it and show you.

Howard Stern: Alright. You send that to me, bastard. ...that hurt
David Duchovny: Howard's crying. Why expose yourself to that crap?

Howard Stern: I have to
David Duchovny: Why did that phone call come in? I'm sure there's 1000 others like it, but why...

Howard Stern: I randomly take calls. People say they want to speak to DD, I don't know what they want to talk about
David Duchovny: there's no screening?

Howard Stern: No. If you did anyway, people would lie. What's the point.
David Duchovny: Now..I want to ask you a question

Howard Stern: Ok
David Duchovny: Does that in any way make you upset?

Howard Stern: No.
David Duchovny: It doesn't make you sweat a little?

Howard Stern: I like it
David Duchovny: No I don't

Howard Stern: I love humanity
Robin: we've had it for 20 years, David, if we haven't gotten used to it, we would have quit

Howard Stern: You know what I'm upset about, you banging Minnie Driver... Tea is such a beautiful woman
David Duchovny: Don't be upset because it didn't...
Robin: You being on WWTBAM

Howard Stern: That I'm upset about. I don't want them putting celebrities on WWTBAM
David Duchovny: I said no at first if that helps.

Howard Stern: Ok. Listen. You've answered every question. You've been very honest about everything. I admire that. I'm going to go see your movie. In fact, I would go see your movie today if it was open.
David Duchovny: It will be open tomorrow.

Howard Stern: We'll go see it this weekend. Will my 13 daughter like it?
David Duchovny: She'll love it!

Howard Stern: She will?
David Duchovny: Yes.

Howard Stern: You admit that?
David Duchovny: I admit that. I wont guarantee that she'll get laid though.

Howard Stern: No. We don't want her getting laid. 13 year olds can't do that.
David Duchovny: I'll take that guarantee away in this case.
Robin: Do you have a daughter?
David Duchovny: Yeah, I do. She's going to be 1 year old on April 24th.
Robin: Then you'll have to .. uh.. watch her grow up..
David Duchovny: I'll have to watch her grow up ? (laughing)
Robin: And meet guys...

Howard Stern: will you let your 1 year old daughter see your penis?
David Duchovny: um... what?

Howard Stern: That will be an issue. This kids will ask to see your penis
David Duchovny: they will?

Howard Stern: Will you show them your penis?
David Duchovny: When did your kid ask to see your penis?

Howard Stern: All my girls always asked me to see the penis and I said no.
David Duchovny: How old were they when they asked?

Howard Stern: My 7 year old always says "let me see your penis". Because they are curious, they've heard I have one and they want to see it.
David Duchovny: Well, that might be because you are on the radio talking about your penis all the time.

Howard Stern: No, they don't know that. The kids think I'm a Harvard Professor, they have no idea what I do.
David Duchovny: Ok. Well, I think I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Howard Stern: When they say, "Hey, Dad, we want to see what a penis looks like, will you show them?"
Robin: Or will show them a book... or something else....
David Duchovny: A book might be a good idea.

Howard Stern: A book of penises? What book is that, Hustler? So, you haven't thought that far ahead?
David Duchovny: No. It's the first time I've ever heard about it.

Howard Stern: It will come up
Robin: He'll get them a playgirl

Howard Stern: Girls, you want to say anything to David before I wrap it up
Hilary You can always talk to them in that little falsetto voice you have for it
David Duchovny: Oh, she's referring to something I did on Leno.

Howard Stern: well, girls anything you want to say to David? You want to profess your love for him. Go ahead Tara
David Duchovny: Yeah, because I have a limo waiting and another blundt. (all laughing)

Howard Stern: Anything you want, if you want to offer him fellatio.. what ever you want to do. Hilary No, I don't want to do that. I just want to say I've enjoyed your work all these years on the XFiles
David Duchovny: Thank you
Robin: Are you all broken up that it might be the last year
Hilary Yes and No

Howard Stern: You don't look like you can handle it
Hilary I'll just write my own episodes

Howard Stern: You look a little unstable like you might go over the deep end.
Hilary No. After wrapping up the mytharc this year, I can't really see where they can take it after this. They've done the Samantha thing, what's left
David Duchovny: Well, I've got one of the shows that I've written and directed coming up.

Howard Stern: I heard you were doing that again.
David Duchovny: Did you see my one last year?

Howard Stern: No, I didn't see it.
David Duchovny: Robin? Did you see it?
Robin: Yes.
David Duchovny: Did you like it?
Robin: I liked it
David Duchovny: Just liked it?
Robin: I liked it alotTTTTT Ok!
David Duchovny: Oh, thanks.

Howard Stern: Tara do you want to say something to David.
Tara uh.. pretty much the same. I love your work, the acting and directing
David Duchovny: Do you want me to sign that?
Tara If you could David Duchovny: sure

Howard Stern: Alright. Would you like to see his penis? Would you girls like to?
Tara I'd like a hug if I could?

Howard Stern: A hug?
David Duchovny: Ok. I'll hug her.

Howard Stern: He'll do to you what he did to Minnie Driver. He'll take you to the movies.
Tara Alright.

Howard Stern: Now, I've learned a couple of things. That you write your own episodes
David Duchovny: And direct them.

Howard Stern: I don't believe R has seen your episode.
David Duchovny: She has.

Howard Stern: Did you really see it.
David Duchovny: Tell him about it.
Silence David Duchovny: Oh, wow, she didn't see it! (all laughing)
Robin: I didn't want to tell him that I hadn't seen it. D; Oh Robin. I'm gonna send you a tape
Robin: You know I love your work
David Duchovny: R, didn't you have some sort of thing with Chris Carter going on in LA?
Robin: Yes, yes I did.
David Duchovny: What happened?
Robin: I haven't been able to watch the show since then
David Duchovny: Will you tell me what happened?
Robin: Chris scared me. He really is Mulder. He's a spooky guy.
David Duchovny: You wont say what actually happened.
Robin: Ah...we ran in to each other. He was with some girls at the bar in the Four Seasons
David Duchovny: Now, when you say that "with some girls", he was...
Robin: I don't know how they all ended up together. It wasn't my idea!
David Duchovny: I believe they were publicists.
Robin: The girls called my room, and harassed me to come down and meet Chris. And I went to the bar and said hello. And I was trying to talk to him. And they were kind of drunk, and they kept talking. And then one of them started insulting me and saying that I was a bitch.
David Duchovny: There is something missing in this story
Robin: I'm telling you what happened
David Duchovny: it sounds like a miscommunication
Robin: I don't know. I was tired, we'd just gotten in from New York

Howard Stern: What did Chris do?
Robin: Chris just sat there. I finally figured, you know what, I've had enough. I'm going away. And he followed me. Then I said, Ok. It's alright, no hard feelings. It's ok.
David Duchovny: Right
Robin: And the next day, I went to Big Sur. And I was at a place there and when I walked into my room after checking in, my phone rang, and I picked it up and it was Chris Carter. And I thought, What are you doing! Leave me alone
David Duchovny: He probably just wanted to make sure that you weren't upset.
Robin: Oh well, it was a little bit much OS: Didn't he call you recenlty?
Robin: Yes, he did. He calls once in a while, and that' s ok
David Duchovny: ok.
OS: HE called like 3 months ago, I remember taking the message.

Howard Stern: Obviously he's quite taken with you
David Duchovny: Well, you know if you have a miscommunication like I'm sure this was, with people in your position, you get scared because you guys are here, and saying...

Howard Stern: Who knows...
Robin: Chris has no reason to be afraid. I told him it was fine. It was very bizarre to pick up the phone first thing and find him on it.
David Duchovny: I understand.
Robin: And there was even a note waiting for me that morning when I came down to go to the airport
David Duchovny: This story is not resolved yet

Howard Stern: No, it's not

Howard Stern: Let's take one last one, go ahead Brian B: "Yes, David, who's stink is harder to wash off your fingers? Uh... Gillian Anderson's or Minnie Drivers?"

Howard Stern: oh, come on. That's an outrageous question. Answer the question. No, I'm kidding. B: Hey, David, have you ever tea-bagged Scully?
Robin: Oh Geez.
David Duchovny: Oh wow.

Howard Stern: It's time to end. That was Chris Carter by the way. (all laughing)

Howard Stern: Alright, David, we look forward to the new movie RTM. It's always great seeing you. Say hello to your beautiful wife Tea.
David Duchovny: I'll bring her in here one of these times

Howard Stern: Please do! I would like to see her.
David Duchovny: You'd like her

Howard Stern: yeah, tell her to wear a short skirt and no panties
David Duchovny: No

Howard Stern: Why? What's the big deal? And say hello to Minnie Driver the next time you are at the movies with her and Gary Shandling.
David Duchovny: She's been in here with you

Howard Stern: Yes, she has. Opens Friday. Looking forward to seeing the chemistry between the two of you.
David Duchovny: After you see it. And I know you're going to love it. I want you to talk about it next week.

Howard Stern: I will!
Robin: I will go see it! D; And you... you are getting a cassette in the mail. Then I'm going to call you and harass you. (all laughing)

Howard Stern: Girls, thank you.
David Duchovny: Thanks, and Tara and Hilary, I'll sign that if you want.

Howard Stern: Thanks, David.