CO: It's serious and needs to be done. Ladies and gentlemen we need to look to the future. That's right David Duchovny, lets look to the future…
CO: Singer Meatloaf will realize that Meatloaf is a stupid name and will change it to the much cooler "Meatdiddy".
DD: The American Bald Eagle will be taken off the endangered species list, not because it is no longer extinct, but because it is a deutchbag.
CO: It will be discovered that Paul Revere's famous battle cry was not "The British are coming, the British are coming!" but rather, "Help! I'm being chased by a bunch of guys in red jackets with bad teeth.
DD: As a prank the United Nations will introduce a new resolution to combine all the countries into one. After the merger is signed by the first two countries, Canada and Peru, all the other countries will laugh and say, enjoy your new country, Canpu!
CO: The lost comic strips of Charles M. Schultz will be discovered, where Charlie Brown actually kicks the football, Linus abandons his blanket, and Peppermint Pattie finally whips it out.
DD: The social order will be inverted, when limousine drivers will host the first ever "Limo Driver's Prom", forcing High School Seniors to drive them around to get drunk and have sex.
CO: Women will all loose interest in David Duchovny, when it is revealed that Duchovny is the Russian word for "syphilis".
DD: Women will all loose interest in Conan O'Brian when it is revealed that he had a raging case of "Duchovny".
CO: To keep their conflict interesting to Americans, China and Taiwan steal story lines from the TV show "Felicity": China will cut its hair and Taiwan will totally bag Ben for Noel.
DD: I'm glad you had that one…Sales of Timex watches will drop drastically when they change their slogan from, "It takes a licking and keeps on ticking", to "It takes a licking, but prefers a sucking."
CO: Very nicely done. Thanks to David Duchonvy…
Interview
CO: <to David as the camera pans in on them> Ah, you'll see, its gonna be good! <to audience> Back sitting here with Mr. David Duchovny. <to David> Thank you for helping us out with that! <The Year 2000 segment>
DD: My pleasure!
CO: Predictions into the future!
DD: Yes, to look backward into the future!
CO: Yes, we… er….we should change the name of it….
DD: …..no, its much funnier….
CO: We started doing in 1993 when we were talking about 'Lets look to the future in the year 2000' and then we realized a couple of months ago: -- what are we doing?!? All the way to the year 2000! the hell…..now, um….there's a lot of people talking about this - you're done with the X Files….?
DD: Yeah.
CO: You're leaving the X Files which is making a lot of people unhappy….
<audience makes unhappy awwwww noise except one guy who makes a whooohooo happy noise>
<David points at the whoooohoo guy>
DD: Oh, he's happy over there!
CO: Everyone's sad except one guy, who is laughing at everything. <to David> he just thinks he's here to laugh!
CO: Are you going to miss it?
DD: I don't know where he'd <the whooohoooo guy> get that idea.
CO: Yeah, right
DD: He's obviously never seen the show, right?
<CO pretends to look devastated, DD leans over to pat his arm, the audience oooohs sympathy>
DD: I'm sorry.
CO: Stop rubbing me!
DD: I thought it was working…..
CO: …..or continue if you wish!….
CO: Are you gonna…..but seriously are you going to miss doing the X Files?
DD: Of course, I'll miss doing it, I've been doing it 8 years. You miss people, everything. I mean when I was making the decision not to come back I told my wife and she said 'you know you've got to follow your heart or whatever' and follow your bliss or whatever that catchphrase is in the year 2000, I can't remember what it was…..
CO: Right, right……
DD: and I said 'that's great, that's really supportive' and everything and then I kind of idly just did the math of what I probably could get per episode and multiplied it by 22 and I told her the number and she said 'Get your arse back on the show'!
CO: Get out of here! You must have turned down a lot of money to do that?
DD: Well, I mean, you know - you know how it goes, the longer you work the more you get……
CO: No, noooo... they're whittling me down! I'm pretty much on a volunteer basis here!
DD: Yeah?
CO: I'm in danger of being fired by an intern on this show! But, yeah, it's a big decision - onto bigger and better things?
DD: Well, just different things
CO: yeah, well you been working……..I understand there was a fire on the set. Was this on the set of the movie?
DD: Of 'Evolution', yeah
CO: Of 'Evolution'?
DD: Yeah, we had a fire. We had a big ……where this rock lands and an alien lifeform starts to grow in this cavern and it was……..
CO: That same old story!
DD: Yeah, you know, same old! The normal thing! What you do on this show most nights
CO: Yeah, exactly!
DD: And what we had was all this crazy plant life growing in this cavern and all of it was plastic and we had fireballs coming at us, you know , for our finale scene and they caught <alight> and kinda toxic smoke was everywhere and we had to be whisked off the set and we closed down for the day. But the News reported it that I had been the only one whisked off the set and I was secreted…. <he says it as "ser~creeeee~ted" as in secretions>
CO: Secreted! <Conan mimics the way DD says it>
DD: Yeah, or secreted as they say in America <this time he says as "s'~cre~ted" as in 'secret'>
CO: Yeah, you don't ever wanna be secreted! <says it as "seeee~creeeee~ted">
<audience howls with laughter - David pauses with hands raised to tell the next part - stares unblinking at audience with a slight smile>
DD: I don't think I can go on!
CO: No, I think this is it for you now!
DD: I was secreted <as in secret> to a nearby shopping mall
CO: What?
DD: Yeah, I guess the implication was that I was so upset to see people incinerated in front of me that I had to go spend some of the money that I don't deserve!
CO: They sometimes just make things up about anybody in the public eye!
DD: I just love this idea of me like having……... <panicked!film!person's voice> "Get him to a shopping mall, he's very upset!"
CO: "And quickly! Get him out of here!" I can't believe you're around when there's fire being introduced onto a film set
DD: Neither can I after…..
CO: I just can't….I would always want a body double. If there was a sex scene I would want to be in it!, but other than that…..no, even that I would have a body double but I would want to be in my trailer for anything remotely dangerous!
DD: Well, that's why they usually do those scenes towards the end of the film, just in case you get incinerated, you know, they pretty much have enough in the can….
CO: Right!
DD: ….that they can release it without you!
CO: Right or just film two scenes where your back is like kinda turned! <turns his back to the audience and says in film!person! voice> "Mr. Duchovny!" <lower similar voice> "I'll be there in a minute!"
DD: He's a little charred!
CO: Yeah, you look smoky! We have a clip here from 'Evolution'
DD: Ah huh, its actually in that cavern that went up in smoke actually so you'll see what I'm talking about.
CO: This is er……tell us what's happening here.
DD: Oh, this is towards the middle of the film where myself and Orlando Jones who play these local teachers at a Community College in Arizona have stumbled upon these alien lifeforms that are growing and are very hostile and aggressive and they're going to start killing people and they have killed people and we're trying to figure out what's going on. The government has already moved in so….I don't know if I made any sense there but go ahead and look at it.
CO: That made more sense than most set ups we have here!. Lets take a look at this clip from 'Evolution'.
<the 'Snag one and put it in a bucket' clip finishing with the giant claw>
CO: <to David> Don't you look great It suits you!
<audience cheers>
DD: Thank you. I know I look damn good in a red containment suit! You know how sometimes you want to buy the wardrobe after the movie?
CO: Yeah.
DD: I purchased that little baby right there!
CO: Yeah, right!
DD: But it's directed by Ivan Reitman who did Ghostbusters so its like a 20 year return to that genre for him that he created so its like, its funny and its crazy and it's a wild ride but its hysterically funny at the same time.
CO: And it used to be when they made a creature movie they would have puppets and stuff like that you know.
DD: Oh, really?
CO: Yeah!
DD: Oh, really, they had puppets ? <incredulous>
CO: They had puppets, yeah. Don't be afraid! But now everything……are these computer-generated? What are they?
DD: My daughter just had her first experience with puppets and she was freaked out by them. She goes like 'pup no good'. She was doing……Pup too weird.
CO: Pup and circus clowns are frightening!
DD: Pup no good…..but we have these er…..most of it was CGI. That's Computer Generated but we had puppets which were these big blue monkeys about 9 foot tall…….
CO: ………I saw these…we have actually a picture, a still of……that's one of the blue ……<sadly> that's the best our show could do!
<still of 'blue' monkey> - due to the poor quality of the picture the monkey looks 'yellow' due to a <special effects> fire blazing behind it
DD: The best was after the fire. You know, all the blue monkeys…..you know, would be secreted <as in secret> out as well - so all these actors had their heads off and they were talking on their cell phones in these blue monkey outfits, calling their agents and complaining. But these monkeys…….Julianne Moore, who is in the movie as well, a great actress, they are naked, cos they're monkeys, monkeys don't wear clothes!
CO: Nah, nah! No.!
DD: ….and, they had something <gestures towards his own groin> they had sex organs of some kind …..but we couldn't really……they had something going on…..its wasn't hanging and it wasn't open….erm…..
<audience gets the drift and sniggers - Conan squints his eyes thoughtfully>
DD: You know what I'm saying?
CO: It sounds like a Police report <nasal whine> "Can you describe it further?"
DD: We just couldn't figure out what they were and also since they're 9 feet tall if you imagine the actors head is like at the neck and then the head - the eyes in it - is actually blind so the actor looks through the neck when its open
CO: Right
DD: So we were trying to steal looks at the package, you know……
CO: To try and tell - 'is it male/female?'
DD: Right, we were trying to look but…we would always look when the head of the monkey was turned away but actually the actual actor would be looking at us and he was like 'What are you checking out, man?' 'What's your problem, man?' and I was like 'Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to stare' but Julianne actually came up with a great word to describe this kind of androgynous sex organ which was the…..I don't know if I can say it on TV but its a 'testina'…..
<there is an audible pause then the audience whoops and Conan nods and mumbles>
CO: You can say that.
DD: OK, well…..
CO cuts in despondently: Sadly I've heard that term….
<DD bends forward - he's laughing so hard>
DD: Sadly, indeed…..
CO sadly: Yeah!
DD: But actually if I can say 'testina' I should go for our second favourite description of that organ. Would you like to hear that one?
CO unenthusiastically: Yes, please.
DD: 'Vagical'!
<CO cracks up>
DD nods at him: Ah, you like that one better. You prefer the 'vagical'.
CO: I've heard that one! Now you have, on this topic, you expose yourself in the film.
DD: Yes, I do.
CO: …..at one point.
DD: Yes I do!
<audience clapping>
DD: I expose the 'back business' <gestures over his shoulder with his thumb>
CO: The 'back business'?
DD: My arse! yeah.
<audience whoops>
CO: The buttocks! the buttocks are exposed!
DD: Yes, they are…
CO: You moon, you moon somebody in….
DD: I do, I do. It was kind of an improv. moment where I found myself standing in a Jeep and I don't……I haven't had much experience with Jeeps, <to Conan> have you?
CO: No, not at all!
DD: You have to stand to get into them, I didn't know. Because if it had been a car I probably wouldn't have been able to get my arse up against the window, you know….
CO: Right, right, right…..
DD: I'm not that limber. So, I found myself standing there I'd just had an argument with another character and it just seem in character to throw the pressed ham against the glass, like that.
CO: Right, Right.
DD: So that's what I did and Ivan shot it and said 'you know it seems funny to me, I don't know if its funny though, you know, we'll keep shooting and maybe put it in the movie'. From the early screenings on, he said, 'you know, the movie plays great, but that moment when you moon, everybody gets onboard and its like a great ride from then on'. He's like 'your arse is magic!' So……... <shrugs>
CO sniggering: You should have it insured!
<audience clapping>
CO: Now, I would think….did you just have to do it once or…..cos in movies like sometimes you have to do it again and again and again…….
DD: Yeah, like 60 times! and we were shooting in Arizona and I did it maybe 10, 12 times and my arse started getting tired, you know …..my arse isn't used to working that hard so…….it was also cold and I was tired of just whipping my pants off but I'm the kind of actor that likes to give to the other actors, you know,
CO: 110%!
DD: 115 sometimes! I don't like to …..I don't like it when other the actor kind of shuts it down when he's off camera. I like to just give, give, give. So what I did was I didn't want to expose myself anymore so I went into a tent and I took my pants down and I took a Polaroid of my arse like that <raises slightly out of the chair and gestures underneath him with one hand> and then when it came time that Julianne Moore and Ted Lebine were on camera and it came time when I would moon them, I kinda held the polaroid like that! and then because as I drove off my line was 'Fruit basket for General Woodman!' and I'd go….. I'd whip out the Polaroid like that <holds up an imaginary 'polaroid' in front of his face and mimes moving it out towards the chair next to his own so that the 'General' can see it as he 'drives away'>>
CO: That was nice, you're doing your own little puppet theatre there!
DD: I'm giving, I'm just giving to the other actors <repeats the polaroid mime>
CO: Now, this is not the first time that you've exposed yourself in a film though, is it?
DD: No, no. In fact the first film I ever did, when I was green and didn't know any better, actually had the possibility for full frontal nudity which erm……'the possibility'…….I don't know what that means but…..
CO: after secreting! which, you know…….you've been having a terrible time!
DD: I'm tired…. <feigns exhaustion> I mean, its just horrible! It was a Henry Jagman (sp?) called 'New Year's Day' which was the first acting job I really ever had and it was kind of an improv. film and I was getting kicked out of the house by a girlfriend, who was the star of the movie, Maggie Jacobson and Henry came to me and he said 'You gotta get kicked out naked cos, you know, you're the bad guy and I want you humiliated' and I didn't know that you didn't actually have to be naked for a movie to appear naked ….
CO: Right, you have things that you can wear that are flesh-coloured…..
DD: Whatever!, they have cameras that don't have to go down!…. <mimes framing a film shot>
CO: No!, right, I forgot about that! Yeah! sorry!
DD: There are many ways to not actually expose yourself……frontally in a movie but being green I didn't know and Henry came to me and he said 'You know, is it OK if I shoot the penis?' And I said 'shoot the penis, if you have to shoot the penis, shoot the penis' so then if I shoot the penis, then the penis might be in the picture. so if I shoot the picture, the penis might be in the picture…… and I was like ' you know, you can shoot the penis, its OK with me and I was like….so as it turned out, luckily…the penis was not shot
CO: Right……..
DD: and er…..it did not bounce into frame or anything like that!
<mimes a bouncing penis using both hands - I think he's indicating a side-to-side and slightly up-and-down motion but his hands are about a foot apart so you draw your own conclusion!>
CO: Right……but I hope that…….there's probably footage of it somewhere, that someone's got! or maybe the director has it somewhere…….?
DD: Its like…………'uncut?
<everyone giggles including Conan>
CO: Alright I'm done with you! We're going to have to pull the lever on you . Ah, a good time as any to stop probably! 'Evolution' opens on Friday
DD: Yes, it does. This Friday. Its really funny, I hope you all see it. I really love it!
CO: Go check out the film 'Evolution' and…………. always a great guest and you were a good sport to help us out today.
DD: It was my pleasure, I enjoyed it!
CO: David Duchovny! Thank you very much!
<cheering>
****end***
