Stern: David Duchovny is here. He’s left the X-Files. I have no idea what he does all day now.

Robin: He messes around with Téa.

Stern: I would never have quit the X-Files. I heard… you know, he’ll never give you the scoop, but I would love to really interview this guy

Robin: What’s the scoop

Stern: uh.. well, the fights on the X-Files were legendary between him and Gillian Anderson. Uh, evidently, they hate each other.

Robin: And he left and left it to her??? Why would you do that?

Stern: Well, they just hated each other, probably… it would be so great for him to come in and tell us about that

Robin: But he was the bigger star. Why would you leave her the tv show?

Stern: I think he’d had it and he wanted to go do other projects. But…

Robin: Like Evolution? (incredulous voice)

Stern: Yeah.

Robin: (laughing)

Artie: Like Full Frontal, Robin!

Stern: Where is David Duchovny? I’ll try to get some reality out of him, but…he’ll probably just say he loved Gillian Anderson.

Robin: Oh, she’s great.

Stern: Right. Come in here and talk real to me! Come in here and stop already! Sit down. I’m going to put my shirt on so that I look handsome. So, I look more handsome. Hi, David.

David: Good seeing, you.

Stern: Bad handshake that I just gave you.

Robin: Floppy?

Stern: Yeah, it was one of those bad ones where it was sloppy.

David: I gripped too early. I panicked.

Stern: I could have reached.

Artie: Was it fruity?

Stern: It was fruity. It was a fruity handshake.

David: Not a good way to start.

Stern: Hey, you’re looking good man.

David: Thanks.

Stern: You’ve stopped dying your hair like you did the last time.

David: I was a little blonde last time. But thank you for remembering me.

Stern: You look good. You look handsome.

David: So do you.

Stern: Yeah.

Robin: Alright, when do you two kiss?

David: Soon, I hope.

Stern: Do you know you can’t lick your elbow?

David: Can you say Evolution like that again? And… break my heart

Robin: You left FX to do Evolution (laughing)

David: FX??

Stern: Whatever.

David: Evolution (mimicking Robin)

Stern: Talk to me about what really was going on between you and Gillian Anderson. Let’s really get into it. Why don’t you just come clean. It was a horrible experience for you working with her.

David: No it wasn’t. (laughing)

Stern: It was. You see, you’re never honest.

Robin: Do you know this for a fact that it was

Stern: Yes. I know from people.. I know people who know David and it was a very bad experience.

David: No, it was a very bad experience.

Stern: You didn’t like her. She wasn’t one of your favorite people to work with.

David: We had a very workable, working relationship. The reason I wanted to leave the show as because after 8 years, it was enough..

Stern: I understand that. I didn’t say you left because of her.

David: Yeah, you did. I was out in the hallway when you said it.

Robin: Yeah, you did say it.

Stern: But Shandling told me that you two

David: Shandling? (laughing) you just ruined your credibility.

Stern: When you are working with an actress who is tempermental and difficult to work with

David: I feel like you are talking about yourself right now.

Stern: No, I’m not that kind of actress. (all laughing) I’m the type of actress who works with others.

David: Certainly not tempermental.

Stern: No. Absolutely not. Are you really going to lie to me and tell me that Gillian Anderson is fun to work with?

David: That’s very well phrased. (all laughing). I like the way…

Stern: You liked her?

David: I like Gillian. You work with someone for so long and they become part of your life.

Robin: When was the last time you talked to her.

Stern: Yeah, be honest.

David: Well, honestly, I haven’t talked to her since I went back to do the last two episodes of the show this year. We haven’t spoken since the last day.

Stern: So, don’t you think that’s curious someone you work with for 8 years

Robin: Who is a part of your life…

Stern: Who is a part of your life… Why wouldn’t you call her?

David: I treat all my family like that.

Stern: Why wouldn’t you call her and say hey, I miss you, and …

David: Because I think when you work that hard and that long together, you appreciate the break at some point. You are just moving on with your life.

Stern: Yeah, but it’s been like a four year break now.

David: No, I mean I went back to do the last two just three months ago.

Stern: Show still on the air?

Robin/David: No

David: No, no.

Stern: That’s it?

David: Well, it will be repeating on you forever.

Robin: Are you going to do a movie?

David: I hope so. I hope we do one in a…

Stern: A, uh.. X-files movie?

David: Yeah.

Artie: You did one, didn’t they?

Robin: Do another one

David: Hey, you did research. They did one, didn’t they? (making fun)

Stern: Somebody told me… Shandling told me that you said Gillian Anderson is Hitler with lipstick. (all laughing)

David: Oh, no

Stern: with the same mustache

David: yeah, that sounds like Garry

(all trying to imitate Garry saying "Hitler")

David: Wow, those are really good imitations. Hey, Artie, do you have one?

Artie tries it

David: That’s awful.

Stern: What do you… so, you had to leave the XFiles, which you did.

David: Yeah

Stern: So, what do you do all day? Do you watch the kids?

David: A little bit of that. And uh, you know, I’ve actually just been working on doing a lot of writing.

Stern: Writing???

David: Yeah. I’m a writer.

Stern: What are you writing? Who are you writing to? Write me a letter.

David: I’m emailing.

Stern: Email? I’ll give you my email address.

David: All day long, I get up and I email (all laughing)

Stern: Who do you write to?

David: I write to myself. I just uh.. I started as a writer, you know prior to acting, and I

Stern: What did you write? I never heard of you

David: I didn’t write anything good.

Robin: Have we seen anything…

Stern: So, you were unsuccessful as a writer.

David: That’s correct.

Stern: So, why would you go back to being unsuccessful as a writer?

David: I’m going back to my roots.

Stern: Maybe we should IM each other.

David: What the hell is that?

Stern: Instant Message.

David: Oh (all laughing)

Robin: You could write to each other?

Stern: Yeah, I think of myself as an instant message writer. So, what you sit home and write a movie script?

David: Yeah, I’ve been working on one for a little while now.

Robin: What story do you want to tell?

Stern: What story is inside of you?

David: Robin, I remember when I wrote and directed a couple of X-Files you were kind about it.

Robin: You were good. They were good.

David: How was the writing?

Robin: Excellent!

David: You see.

Stern: You know what would be a great thing for you to write about?

David: If I was honest…

Stern: You could write about a guy on a tv show who hates the woman he works with (Robin laughing) Has Gillian Anderson every been to your house, to a New Year’s Eve party?

David: I was always told write what you know, so I wouldn’t be able to that.

Stern: Has Gillian ever been

David: She has been to my house. … She has been to my house. Sure.

Stern: Really?

David: Yeah.

Stern: So tell, me..

David: I wasn’t there at the time, though

Stern: So, tell me what time do you wake up in the morning generally?

David: um.. Well, with the kids 7 is late

Stern: You’re famous, you have a great life, you’re wife is gorgeous.

David: Yeah.

Stern: And.. I don’t know what she does

Robin: She doesn’t do much either… (laughing)

David: What do you mean, doesn’t do much!

Stern: yeah, what does she do all day

Artie: She’s on that show, The Naked Truth

David: Oh, Artie.

Robin: Come on, Artie!

Stern: Get with it. Everyone knows that show isn’t on anymore. What do you do all day, David. You wake up. You start writing your script at what time?

David: Usually, I have a little breakfast with the kid, then go start working around 9.

Robin: You are a disciplined writer.

David: I try to make it like a job. I try to make it 9 to 5 otherwise it can get away from you.

Stern: Now, what do you do? You pretend in your head that you are different characters and then you write it down?

David: (laughing)

Robin: You really have to work at it (laughing)

Stern: What do you do? You fantasize that you are what? A spy? Something like this?

David: Yes. (all laughing).

Artie: Aiy, I am a Spanish Captain.

David: Right.

Artie: Aiy, get me my captain’s outfit and my peg leg.

Robin: A special outfit?

Stern: By 10 am, he’s done writing.

Artie: He’s banging by 11

Stern: by 10:30 he’s playing basketball at Shandling’s house.

David: Yeah, don’t talk to Daddy, he’s a Spanish Captain.

(all laughing)

Stern: Pretend he’s not your daddy. What kind of script are you working on?

David: I’m not going to tell you. You are just going to have to wait.

Robin: Do you have a special room where you lock yourself away?

David: I do have a special room.

Stern: Special writing room? Does it have a special view?

Stern: Honey, I’m writing. I’m in the writing room.

Robin: I’m in the writing room now.

Stern: You know what he’s doing in the writing room? He’s watching Jerry Springer.

David: Is that all I’m allowed to say?

Stern: I used to hide in my room.

Robin: your writing room?

Stern: Yeah, my writing room. So, you have a special room, I guess. And you go in there.. is there someone to help you

Robin: Do you have an assistant?

David: Someone holds my hand. (laughing)

Robin: Do you think out loud and they…

David: I’m not an outloud thinker, no

Stern: Do they take dictation? “She turns to me and says I love you… I love ye…” (all laughing). Is this a period piece?

David: No, I can’t believe it. It’s a pirate movie. You got it. (all laughing).

Stern: Well, my special room had lots of bottles of baby oil and porn.

Robin: What inspires you? He needs porn.

Stern: Is it a horror movie? A love story? I can see you writing a love story. You are a very sensitive guy.

David: (laughing)

Artie: He’s writing mostly bumper stickers.

Stern: Write one for this station.

David: I think it’s a comedy, but it’s kind of a dark comedy, love story.

Stern: Dark comedy, love story? I like that.

David: I would say in a year you’ll see it.

Stern: Are you going to star in it, as well.

David: I might.

Robin: Are you going to direct?

David: I’d like to.

Stern: You’re a triple threat then, I guess.

David: Yeah, well, according to Robin, threat is not a good thing

Stern: Now, when you write, are you like Woody Allen

David: Yes.

Stern: Do you write in love scenes with women? Are there love scenes with women in your..

David: Yeah, there are a lot of love scenes in this.

Stern: Yeah, sounds good.

Robin: Are you taking a role and direct yourself?

David: I don’t know.

Stern: He’s going to direct himself.

David: Possibly. I’m going to direct myself right out of the room.

Stern: Did somebody already buy the script

David: No, no.

Stern: So you are writing it and then you are going shopping it?

David: I have unlimited confidence.

Stern: So, are you going to go to a studio and say “listen, I’ve written this script and I want to get it done”

Robin: Do you think they will be interested.

David: I hope so.

Stern: So, if no one is interested, he’s wasted all this time. (all laughing)

Artie: (in pirate voice) Back to the writing room. Let’s go write a pirate movie.

David: uh, yeah, I’m going to call up Artie and write that Pirate movie. (all laughing)

Stern: So this is what you do. You are in the writing room

David: I’ve also got this show that’s going to be on TNN a basketball reality show that’s going to be starting.

Stern: You’re the producer

Robin: A basketball reality show??

Artie: (going off in background in pirate voice)

Stern: You follow a team around

David: No, two teams of two guys on either side of the country getting into pick up basketball games. On the road in America.

Stern: Is there gambling?

David: (laughing)

Artie: Can you bet on these guys? It’s going to be you and Shandling against two black guys?

David: Yeah, that was the first question we asked.

Stern: What do you get paid to do that?

David: Not a lot, Howard, you do it for the love.

Stern: Do it for the love. Do it for the fun

David: Yep.

Robin: Now, what do you have to do with it?

David: It was my idea.

Robin: oh. (pirate voice in the back) he wrote that in the writing room.

Stern: Now, you and Téa, we were talking about this. Robin was saying this on the air, and I don’t know if I disagree.

Robin: What did I say?

Stern: She said that a lot of times, a couple, their sex life is sort of dead once they have kids., that they almost become like brother and sister.

David: Robin, are you married?

Robin: No (laughing)

Stern: But the kids ruin the relationship and a lot of the guys agreed who have kids. The sex life diminishes.

David: Why are you talking as if you have no experience with this?

Stern: I’m a single man.

David: Yeah, but

Stern: No, I was always single.

David: Oh, ok.

Stern: Let me ask you something, is the sex still there?

David: Yeah, it is.

Stern: Would you be honest about that.

David: Yeah. Uh.. no.

Stern: Do you still masturbate?

David: What do you mean still? I never have.

Stern: That’s a lie. Now, you are lying.

David: Yeah, I do. Right now, as a matter of fact.

Stern: In your writing room, do you have porn?

David: Robin, turn around.

Stern: Seriously, in your writing room, do you have porn? Do you own any porn?

David: Um.. yeah. I own porn.

Stern: You do?

David: yeah.

Stern: What porn do you own.

Robin: Now I’m shocked.

David: None of your business.

Stern: Why is it not my business? I’m interviewing you. You have to answer

David: I am answering you. I said “None of your business”

Artie: Duchovny, one more time, what porn do you own?

David: I take the fifth.

Robin: Who’s your favorite?

Stern: Shandling told me you pleasure yourself constantly.

David: I’m really going to have to have a talk with Garry because he’s giving away too much information.

Stern: He says you have gay porn?

David: I got it. I’ve got the gay porn.

Stern: Seriously, what are you into? Jenna Jamieson?

David: No.

Stern: I wonder what kind of porn… do you have any anal porn?

David: You wonder what kind of porn I have? Let me put it to you this way. If a grown man would like to enjoy that kind of experience in the confines of his own home. If that grown man were a celebrity, would he be able to go out and rent?

Stern: I’m just curious… No.

David: No, he would own a little stash of his own.

Stern: Do you watch Porn with your wife? Téa Leoni?

David: um.. no.

Stern: You don’t? So, you have to go off in secret to watch porn?

David: Well, it’s not secret.

Stern: Do you wait until she leaves with the kids?

David: When you put it that way I feel like such a heel.

Robin: He doesn’t go “Hey, Téa, I’m going to go watch Porn now”

David: Uh, there’s a memo. I circulate a memo around, I cc my agent. I cc Garry and Howard.

Stern: See, I have a girlfriend now. It’s a whole different thing. It’s exciting. We have great fun.

David: I have fun.

Stern: I just made a t-shirt and underpants for her. (Robin laughing) You’ve got to see this. There’s this guy out in California. (Robin groaning) He puts tshirts on girls and he cuts these tshirts in such a way that he makes these beautiful shirts.

Robin: So he puts, he’s inspired by.. and he makes the shirts.

Stern: Right, so he puts the shirt on you, then he starts with the scissors and he starts cutting. He makes these magnificent .. they are unbelievable.

Robin: So, you thought you’d try your hand at it.

Stern: So, I said to my girlfriend, I think I could do it. I start cutting her tshirt, and I ruined her shirt. I said, I know what I’ll do, I’ll cut your underpants. So, I cut a big hole in her ass and by her vagina.

Robin: So, she had no shirt and no underpants.

Stern: That’s the kind of fun you have. You don’t have that kind of fun with Téa anymore. Did you cut her underpants last night?

David: Well, honestly, it doesn’t sound like fun to me Howard.

Stern: Well, that is fun. So much fun. Let me cut your underpants.

David: A little touch up on my circumcision?

Stern: Be honest. When you watch your porno (David makes a gesture), now don’t be shy.

David: I’m not being shy.

Stern: Don’t be an actor.

David: No, I’m not being an actor. I think, porn is very popular, obviously. It’s a billion dollar industry.

Stern: Don’t be embarrassed.

Robin: Right now you’re traveling to promote the movie. You are alone in the hotel room

Stern: Do you wank?

Robin: Do you watch porn in the hotel?

David: No.

Stern: I’ll get your bill and expose you (laughing)

David: No, I’ve seen them when they bill, and it doesn’t come up as that. So, you’re foiled there.

Artie: It just says movie (all laughing).

Stern: Téa Leoni travel with you when you

David: Oh, Artie knows that!

Artie: Yeah, I watched Unbreakable 18 times. (all laughing).

Stern: If you saw Artie’s porn bill. His satellite bill. On the same time every day, he’s on the satellite watching porn. Then it’s like he watches the porn for 3 minutes, gets disgusted and in about ½ hour later he’s got more porn going.

Robin: He buys whole packages.

Artie: I’ve got a lot of free time in the afternoons.

David: It’s too bad they don’t charge you by the actual minute count.

Stern: Do you own any anal porn? Chics on chics? Guys doing anal on chics?

David: You get so excited when you are talking about it, you are stuttering.

Stern: I had a huge porno collection when I was married. Huge.

David: Where did it go? Did you donate it to the Smithsonian?

Stern: Yeah. I don’t need it anymore.

David: That’s bull.

Stern: Swear to God. I’ve only pleasured myself 3 times in the last 2 years.

Artie: See, that’s unreal.

Stern: Swear to God.

Robin: Don’t believe it.

Stern: Swear to God. How do you clean up after you watch porn so Téa won't find out?

Artie: How do you clean up after you write?

Stern: Yeah, right. After you are in the writing room (all laughing)

Artie: Honey, I’ve been in the writing room all morning, can I get a tissue?

Stern: Let me remind you, you are under oath. Seriously, you are in your writing room. You get horny. You put on your porn.

David: Hi, Mom!

Robin: Do you have porn in the writing room?

Stern: Is your mom listening to this?

David: She could be

Stern: When I had my writing room, I’d always say “oh, I’m writing a script” that was my way of going down to be by myself. I’d finish up by cleaning up with my script to wipe everything off.

David: That’s awful.

Stern: Listen

David: That’s awful.

Stern: Listen, don’t be embarrassed in front of your mother. She pleasures herself, too.

David: ugh, Howard.

Stern: So, what happens? One of the best things that can happen to you is when SS—what is he, a jew? SODERBERGH.

Artie: Gotta be.

Stern: Soder and Berger.

Robin: Soda

Artie: Soderbergh! (hick voice) We’re gonna go down and watch that new Soderbergh movie.

Stern: One of the best things that can happen to you as an actor, David Duchovny, is when SS calls and says I have you in mind for a new film.

David: Sure.

Stern: One of the worst things that can happen to you as an actor is when he says “yeah, it’s a $2 million budget and we’re not paying anybody and guess what, there’s no script you’ll have to ad lib”

David: There was a script.

Stern: There was a script?

David: In fact, the budget didn’t matter to me.

Stern: Why?

Robin: Because it’s SS. (laughing)

David: Well, that’s one thing. It’s almost like cheating when I say I don’t have to work for money now. But I don’t. I made a lot of money in my life, and I don’t…

Stern: How much did you make.

David: I made plenty.

Stern: Like $40 million?

David: I made plenty.

Stern: How big is your house? How many square feet?

David: It’s huge.

Stern: Really? You have a huge home?

David: I have a huge home.

Stern: And you have enough money to live for the rest of your life?

David: Uh, I believe so.

Stern: So, SS calls and says the budget is $2 million and Julia Roberts is in it.

David: Well, actually what SS said to me was, I saw him out and he said “I have a script for you.” And I was like “Fantastic”

Stern: Great!

David: Yeah, And he goes “It’s about you” and I said “About me?” and he says “about your character, about your character’s 40th birthday”. I said fantastic. I’m doing a movie with S and it’s going to be all about my character.

Stern: Then you find out it’s only a $2 million budget.

David: No, it’s not that it’s only a $2 million budget. The kicker was that I just have a couple of scenes in the middle of movie and everything happens around my character but not actually about my character.

Stern: In the movie, you receive oral sex by the woman who played my wife in my movie, MM, is that right?

David: No. Digital sex.

Stern: Digital Sex? She massages you and puts her fingers in the dirtiest place she can put them?

David: No. You know what I’m saying.

Stern: She puts her hands on your genitals?

David: Yeah, I ask for a happy. I’m getting a massage, and I ask her for a happy ending.

Stern: And she does it?

David: She does it for a price.

Stern: How much?

David: $500 for it.

Artie: $500??

David: Which is more than I made for the movie.

Stern: The fact of the matter is.. do we see your penis?

David: No. um.. you see uh… The way S shot this, all in one takes, there is no coverage, no cut aways.

Stern: No close-ups.

David: Well, there are close-ups when the camera comes in for a close-up, but no cutaways to a closeup. So obviously, in the part of the scene where I’m supposed to get an erection, and it’s the important part of the scene, and I can’t do that on cue, unlike you.

Stern: I can do that on cue, yeah.

David: So, S gave me a dildo, to put in my underwear so that when I flipped over, you could see it.

Artie: “S gave me a dildo”

David: yeah, that’s the name of my autobiography

Stern: So, you had a strap on.

David: Wait, everyone be quiet. I’ll give it to you, so you don’t even have to do anything to it. Steven gave me a dildo.

Stern: Is it true that you and my movie wife got quite close and speak all the time now?

David: No. But I think Mary is wonderful.

Stern: You do?

David: I think she’s fun.

Stern: Do you write each other?

David: No.

Stern: Is that what you do in the writing room? You write to

David: Yeah, I email Mary.

Stern: You do?

David: I write her, Steven gave me a dildo (in creepy voice) (all laughing) signed David. Mary, Steven wont stop sending me dildo’s what do I do. (you hear ARGH in the background in Pirate voice).

Stern: I’m going to go see the movie to see your dildo. (all laughing). I want to see what that looks like, and I want to see my movie wife massage you.

David: Yeah.

Stern: Is she nude when she does it?

David: No.

Stern: How unfortunate.

David: I’m nude.

Stern: I don’t know the plot of the movie.

David: Yeah.

Stern: But I would love to be getting a massage from a legitimate masseuse and have her give me a hand release.

David: A masseuse or Mary McCormick?

Stern: Either one.

David: Alright. Well, I’m sure that’s within your powers Howard.

Stern: So, maybe there is something in the movie I can relate to.

Robin: There you go.

Stern: That never happens for me.

Artie: A Legit masseuse?

Stern: Yeah, a legit masseuse. I don’t want to go to a massage parlor.

David: Oh, so you like the psychology of wrangling it out of her?

Stern: No, I think I just like for something to happen that is unexpected. But they never look at my naked body because they are professionals.

Robin: That never occurs to them.

Stern: I asked one masseuse if she’d wear a negligee.

David: That was a guy, though

Stern: Please don’t point that out.

Robin: So, what is this movie about? Full Frontal.

Stern: Do we want to ruin it by finding out what it’s about? Don’t we want to be surprised when we walk into the theater.

Robin: Don’t we need a little bit of a tease?

Stern: Give it to us in one sentence.

David: Steven is calling it the unauthorized sequel to Sex, Lies and Videotape. I’m not sure what that means.

Stern: SS did Sex, Lies and Videotape in a very similar way to this with the handheld camera, low budget film, and it became a very big hit.

David: It’s set in Hollywood. It’s set in the movie business. It’s a movie within a movie which Julia Roberts and Blair Underwood star in the movie that ‘s at the center of the film. It’s about Hollywood characters.

Stern: Do you have any scenes with Julia Roberts?

David: I did not. Just me and Mary. In every scene there’s just two people, I think.

Stern: Oh, I see.

David: Yeah. But Blair and Julia do a lot together.

Stern: Was Julia Roberts accepting of you?

Robin: Did you meet her?

David: (laughing) yes, she was accepting of me.

Stern: Alright, that’s important.

Stern: David Duchovny, we’ll probably be seeing him in future movies.

David: Oh, you’ll be seeing me in lots of movies, Howard.

Stern: Doing a lot of movies.

Robin: Do you have a lot of movies coming out?

David: In September, I’m starting a movie called My Dark Places which is James Ellroy novel.

Stern: Never heard of him.

David: You’ve never heard of him?

Stern: Who is James Ellroy, Robin.

Robin: He wrote LA Confidential (Howard singing in Jetson’s voice He’s James Ellroy). He’s a real writer, Howard.

Stern: I like guys with writing rooms. You know, Jimmy Ellroy. Never heard of him.

David: Yeah. You saw LA Confidential though, didn’t you?

Stern: Yeah, that was good.

David: He wrote the novel that it was based on.

Stern: oh, that was pretty good, I didn’t know it was based on something.

David: Pretty good?

Robin: Pretty good? (laughing)

Artie: He also wrote the Maltese Falcon

David: Really, Artie? I didn’t know that.

Stern: How many anal films do you own?

David: I just told you, My Dark Places

Stern: You think you are so much better than me because I don’t know who James Ellroy is. I’m just sick of it.

David: You asked me what kind of anal porn I own, and I told you, My Dark Places.

Stern: Seriously. You are going to do that. Who is directing?

David: Robert Greenwald.

Stern: Never heard of him.

David: There are a lot of directors you have never heard of , Howard

Artie: Greenwald, Soderbergh, we see what you are doing! (David laughing)

Stern: Garry Shandling read that book, and he said he didn’t like it. (artie trying to do the impression again)

David: Oh god, that’s awful.

Artie: I was sliding from Louis Anderson.

Stern: So, uh..alright, I guess there is nothing left to talk about.

David: That’s it?

Stern: I don’t know.

David: I haven’t seen you in so long. I think you guys are disappointed in me because I wont talk about anal porn.

Stern: I just want to know what goes on in your life.

David: My life is great. I just had a little baby boy. Do you want to hear about that?

Stern: Yeah, how’s that.

Artie: Nah.

Stern: Yeah.

David: that’s great.

Stern: Do you go out to dinner a lot? Do you have a full time housekeeper?

David: Not full time.

Stern: So, babysitter, nanny?

David: Yeah.

Stern: How old is she?

David: (laughing)

Stern: Now we’ve hit on something. How old is the nanny?

David: Uh… Mandy is about 30, I think?

Stern: White chic?

David: (half laugh/mutter) white chic…

Stern: Mandy…

Robin: Mandy…

Artie: Oh, Mandy is not 30.

Stern: Oh, Mandy who I never notice who is an au pair from Sweden?

Artie: You know, Mandy

David: She’s English.

Stern: English Nanny?

David: Yep.

Stern: 30 years old?

Artie: (now onto the English Accent) ooh David Duchovny, time for Téa. I didn’t know you were in your writing room, ooh I didn’t mean to open the door while you’re reading a James Ellroy novel.

David: That sounds like your imitation of Robin to me.

Artie: It all blends together.

Stern: Mandy the 38 double d nanny.

David: Wow.

Stern: Is she really a young, pretty girl.

David: She’s wonderful.

Stern: Yeah, that must be some scene.

David: My daughter loves her.

Stern: I bet.

Robin: What does Téa do all day? The nanny takes care of the kids.

Stern: She reads scripts.

David: She retires to her own writing room.

Stern: Do you have separate offices in the house.

David: um. Yeah. We do, actually. (Robin laughing)

Stern: Do you do your writing in there and then what is she doing? She’s not writing I she?

David: She doesn’t write. She does, what she does

Stern: You write and

Robin: then you send it over to her office and have her read it.

David: Yeah. I go to my office and fax her.

Stern: How is her body after having two kids? Is it still good?

David: She’s just blessed with genetics to bounce back without even trying.

Artie: She’s no Mandy, though, but she’s alright.

David: It’s unbelievable. She doesn’t work out and she just

Stern: Did she have a c section

David: No, nuh huh

Stern: Did the stomach return or are there ripples all over the place?

David: No. No ripples. It’s unbelievable.

Stern: Did she breast feed?

David: Yeah, she is breast feeding.

Stern: She is?

David: Yeah.

Stern: Is that a turn off?

David: Uh, no because I don’t look at it as something that might sexually turn me on. I mean I don’t look at it that

Stern: Have you ever been banging Téa and have the milk spray in your face?

Robin: oh, god (laughing)

Stern: Tell the truth.

David: Wow.

Stern: Have you tasted her milk?

Artie: (still in English voice): David Duchovny—Téa needs you now to taste her milk. Téa Leoni is in the writing room. Get her out of my writing room, I’m writing the pirate scene.

David: You know when…

Artie: SS is calling…

David: Often when kids are new born they will get eye infections and you can squirt breast milk into their eye to cure it.

Stern: Is that true?

David: Yeah.

Robin: David has discovered that.

David: Yeah, that was my discovery. I won a Nobel Prize for that. Just squirt breast milk at it!

Stern: Have you ever invited Mandy into your bed with you and Téa?

(all laughing)

David: No.

Robin: What are they doing over there??

Artie: It’s crowded in there!

Stern: It’s the new movie. I’m working on a scene.

Robin: Well, my vision is.. the last thing I saw Téa in was that Woody Allen movie.

David: Yeah.

Robin: She’s a really good actress because she actually appears to be falling in love with Woody Allen.

David: She’s a wonderful actress.

Stern: Why does Téa work with Woody Allen? Do you ever ask her that? Does that bother you?

Artie: (still doing the English/Pirate thing Wonderful! Wonderful!)

David: I’d work with Woody Allen.

Stern: Would you?

David: Yeah.

Stern: What about what he did to Mia Farrow? You aren’t appalled?

David: Um. I don’t comment on other people’s personal lives.

Stern: Sure you do

David: No, I don’t

Stern: Would you work with OJ?

David: (laughing) I don’t like OJ’s movies.

Stern: Where’s Mandy?

David: She’s with my daughter.

Artie: (English/Pirate thing) Don’t disturb Mr. Duchovny. He’s in the writing room again. He’s making more gold.

Robin: You better show them. You better come up with something.

Artie: He’s doing another masterpiece in the writing room. Maybe another masterpiece about Basketball.

Robin: Make them eat their words.

David: Robin, thank you because Artie just turned on me and you came to my defense. That’s what I came for here today. When I came in, you were on me, but now you are on my side.

Stern: Who is James Ellroy, seriously?

Robin: He told you! He wrote LA Confidential.

David/Artie: Novels.

Stern: Oh, I don’t read.

David: You want..

Stern: Shocking to everyone.

Artie: You don’t read!

Stern: I read the paper.

David: Really? I think you’ll be interested in it.

Artie: James Ellroy has a great piece in the Post today. (Robin laughing)

Stern: too much work

Artie: (back to English): There’s a wonderful story in the Post that Mr. Duchovny wrote

Stern: I read comic books. Spiderman was the best movie I ever saw.

David: Really? Oh god…

Stern: oooh you didn’t like it?

David: I didn’t see it.

Stern: It’s beneath you.

David: No, it’s not beneath me.

Robin: It’s not beneath him, he did Evolution.

Stern: I never saw Evolution.

David: You didn’t see Evolution? Ivan Reitman is your buddy and you didn’t see…

Stern: I know, I never got to see it.

David: Evolution was alright.

Stern: well, they all can’t be…

Robin: I didn’t sit all the way through it.

David: Well, then you didn’t see the bang ending then

Stern: I liked the movie when you were with that British broad

David: Minnie Driver?

Stern: Yeah, that one

David: Return to Me.

Stern: That was good.

Robin: Yeah, that was good.

Artie: (English): Mr. Duchovny doesn’t have time for Spiderman. He’s writing. He can’t be bothered with such Spiderman type films. Who is this Spiderman?

Stern: David Duchovny is in a movie called Full Frontal which is a big honor for him because it’s a SS movie.

Artie: (English) Sam Raimi is a hack.

(all laughing) David groaning.

Stern: David Duchovny’s movie Full Frontal opens this Friday everywhere. Where he wears a strap on with MM.

David: I didn’t strap it on.

Stern: You just held it.

David: No, I didn’t hold it.

Stern: You put it in your underpants

David: That’s the difficult thing. You try it.

Stern: I will!

Artie: (English) Mr. Duchovny, I thought that Dildo scene was quite moving.

Stern: It’s no James Ellroy.

Stern: Say Hi to Téa and the Kids.

David: Why don’t you call me?

Stern: You never give me your number.

David: I gave you my number. We’ve gone through this charade before.

Stern: I feel funny calling you. What am I going to say? I don’t want to disturb you when you are writing.

Robin: When would be a good time?

David: Howard, when you hang out does it go back to the show? Or…

Stern: No No No. Ask all of our friends will tell you

David: Why? I’m asking honestly

Stern: If you wanna hang out, want a shoulder to cry on, I will respect your privacy

David: Then we should

Stern: Ask Robin

Robin: Ask David Letterman?

Stern: That was a mistake

David: Who does Evil Dave? That’s amazing.

Stern: That’s a top comic

David: Amazing

Stern: I can’t give his name

Robin: Cause he does David’s show all the time and David doesn’t know

Stern: Yeah, David doesn’t know who

David: Is it possible that you can keep that a secret?

Stern: Yeah. It’s actually David Letterman to tell the truth

David: What about – you just don’t have the cameras on when he does it?

Stern: Never

David: Wow. It’s uncanny.

Stern: It’s great, isn’t it?

David: Yeah. And the writing is good, too

Stern: What do you want to do? You want to call me and talk on the phone?

David: No, I don’t want to talk to you on the phone. I think when you are out there in my neighborhood, in Los Angeles.

Stern: I’m never in LA. I haven’t been in LA since September 11.

David: When you do I think you should call me.

Robin: He’d have to walk

Stern: I’d have to walk to LA

Artie: Mr. Duchovny I have a Mr. Stern on the phone.

David: You haven’t flown?

Stern: No

David: Because I just flew for the first time to come out here since September

Robin: Is that right?

Stern: I’m not doing it. I’ll walk

David: Yeah.

Stern: Who’s in town with you, Téa?

David: Actually Garry came into town with me.

Stern: Garry Shandling?

David: Yeah, your source!

Stern: Mandy, too?

David: Yeah, Mandy (laughing)

Stern: Are you sharing a room with her?

David: No, we got separate rooms, Howard.

Stern: Has Garry found a date?

David: Huh, yeah

Robin: Is he upset that Harrison Ford got his girl?

(Silence)

Robin: That stopped him

David: I don’t know what you’re talking about

Robin: Calista Flockhart

David: Oh. I don’t know.

Artie: He was banging Calista? Get out of here! Good for him

David: Not in front of me

Stern: I hear Garry is desperate to find a woman.

David: Garry is fine.

Stern: That’s not what I hear

David: From who? From Garry?

Stern: Everyone. Warren Beatty is running around trying to get dates for him. Whole god**** New York is looking for a date for Garry Shandling.

David: I’ll have to talk to Garry about that. That’s disturbing.

Stern: Garry takes out personals in the chocolate singles.

David: Wow. Chocolate singles.

Stern: Is he getting a date or what?

David: I’m just happy to be able to go home having said Chocolate singles

Stern: Alright. Alright.

Robin: He would surely use the New York Times personals.

David: Is that like Kraft American Cheese singles?

Stern: I don’t know.

David: When you have a kid, that’s what you do. You look at Kraft singles not Chocolate singles.

Stern: Alright. You didn’t tell us anything

David: I told you a lot!

Stern: You didn’t tell us what kind of porn you watch

David: Go listen to the tapes of the show and you’ll see.

Stern: Do you feel like you learned anything?

Robin: No, not since the last time.

David: Really?

Robin: You didn’t really open up.

Artie: We found out about Mandy.

David: Yeah, I was very open. I talked about Mandy.

Stern: What does she look like?

David: Mandy’s a beautiful red-headed woman.

Stern: Have you ever seen her naked?

David: No, I haven’t.

Stern: David Duchovny in Full Frontal opens Friday

Robin: Does she live there?

David: No, she doesn’t

Artie: (English) I keep an apartment in Chelsea.

Stern: When does she leave, after she puts the kids to bed?

David: No, no no. Earlier than that.

Stern: Who puts the kids to bed?

David: We do.

Artie: That’s so normal.

Stern: That’s nice. Every night? What about if you want to go out?

David: If we go out we have Mandy stay, not all night, but she’ll babysit.

Stern: What do you have to pay someone like Mandy?

David: I don’t know.

Artie: 30 schillings an hour.

Robin: That’s what Téa is doing in her office.

David: I worked so hard for so long so I could say I don’t know.

Stern: David Duchovny in Full Frontal, in theaters on Friday, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

Robin: Will he and Téa ever do a movie together?

David: I’d like to

Stern: I’m waiting. I’m hoping for it

David: Howard, you’re an ass.

Artie: We’re all waiting.

Stern: So Nice

David: Oh let’s see them on screen together.

Artie: David and Téa meet Frankenstein.

David: Was it hard translating your chemistry to the big screen?

Artie: David and Téa meet The Killer.

David: What’s the Killer? You lost it man. You had it.

Artie: Abbott and Costello.

David: Now I see what Artie does.

Stern: You and Téa.

David: I just want to talk to Artie. He just works it into his strengths. It doesn’t have to make sense.

Stern: I thought it was funny David and Téa meet Frankenstein.

David: Yeah, but it doesn’t really make sense. He just did it to get to Abbott/Costello.

Stern: David and Téa do a movie together and Mandy directs.

David: Yeah. Alright.

Stern: That I’d watch.

David: Ok. I’ll let you know when that happens.

Artie: Mr. Duchovny—good on that last one. Try it with a little more anger.

Stern: David and Téa, the King and I. With Mandy directing. I’m shooting that film.

David: Wow.

Stern: Listen. Great seeing you.

David: I’ll give you my number again.

Stern: Please do, and I’d love to get together with you and Garry—whole gang play some basketball.

David: You like Garry.

Stern: I think Garry is a great guy.

Robin: Didn’t you say last time you were out and Garry ignored you.

Stern: Garry does a lot of promotion and he never ever…

Robin: yeah, but I thought he was something when you were out

David: But a lot of people wont come on here.

Stern: You are one of the few people left.

David: What’s going on? What have you done?

Stern: Probably after today you wont come back

David: Is that right? Because lord knows, I haven’t been listening.

(all laughing)

David: When Howard got divorced I just couldn’t listen anymore. I just liked you as a married man. I liked the idea of you coming to work being this guy then going home to your wife and kids.

Stern: You really do listen to this show.

David: Now, that you don’t do this, I --- that you and Robin could possibly get together now, too----

Stern: Betcha Téa hates me

Robin: Probably

David: I don’t think she hates you.

Stern: She doesn’t listen.

Artie: Not as much as Mandy does

David: No, she doesn’t listen.

Stern: I don’t’ think he’s in the writing room, writing. I think he’s listening to us.

Stern: Alright. Great to have you here. Pulling for your success in the Steven Soderbergh movie and all your other projects.

Painstakingly transcribed by "C"